New avenue to see God

Who is reading this anyhow? As far as I know, I have one person following my blog without me sending a link at each post. So since this is dead end of a way to share, I am feeling brave in sharing this here.
I haven’t made any previous announcements about this. If you have seen me at church, you probably figured it out anyhow. I have a boyfriend. So why I am sharing this here, in this place I created to share about what God’s doing? Well, it’s because God is using him to remind me of who He is.
Ever since the first day I met this guy, I have been really comfortable around him. He is very much himself; that is he doesn’t try to hide who is or be what he isn’t. That has made me feel that I can be the same way. It’s good not to have to feel guarded in who I am, in fear that I might be rejected. (This is a struggle I have faced in varying degrees for years – well maybe forever.) It’s not as though I haven’t continued to deal with this fearful feeling, but it is usually when I am caught up in my own mind.
So last night I was in that place again, feeling like I had to explain myself as I was staring across the room – then I looked at this guy and that fear went away. I knew that he wasn’t judging me or wanting me to be a certain way – instead I knew that he accepts and appreciates who I am. It feels good to be in that place. When I thought about that feeling this morning, God reminded me that this is how He feels about me. I know this: that God accepts who I am. He created me this way! But it is a different understanding having a fellow human convey God’s message through more than a sermon. And knowing that God is with me all the time, that I never have to feel those fears, makes me feel very loved. God’s love is so great!

I have a rock on my desk

I have a rock on my desk. It’s been there for a while now. They passed them out at church one day and I put it in my purse, then pulled it out at work and there it sits. It’s not a very big rock, but symbolizes a lot. When I was in college we had these chapels called Stones of Remembrance chapel. The concept was taken from the Old Testament when the Israelites crossed the Jordon River and then built an altar from stones on the other side of the river to remember how God parted the river so they could cross. The chapel was a time of testimony from the community; there would be three students each chapel who had a rock, usually with a verse on it, that represented some turning point or lesson that God had been working at in their lives. There is a pile of these stones on campus; our altar of sorts, reminding us that God is still at work in our lives. This rock on my desk reminds me in the same way that God has been and continues to be at work, and is why they were passed out at church. I like this reminder, and it also has served to remind me to pray for my friends and co-workers who also need this reminder.
I have a rock on my desk, and while it may seem odd, it’s not going anywhere.

Balancing Act

The answer: trust God. It always come down to the same thing. I just need to ask God, go with what gives me peace (the kind beyond our understanding), and trust that God will protect me in that. God keeps telling me this over and over. I know the answer, but I keep needing to be reminded.

I have been trying to balance guarding my heart and letting it feel. It is a delicate balance; at least it seems this way to me. When I ask how do I do this, God gives me this answer. He wants to be in control, and tells me that if I follow him, he will protect me. I was reading my Bible earlier this week, and a verse stuck out to me on this. "He is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones." Proverbs 2:?? This verse was so appropriate to the question on my mind.

There are a few different areas where I have been challenged with this. One of them is with my foster child. I want her to know that I care about her, but I have a hard time with that. She says, "don't touch me" whenever we get near each other. Should I give her a hug or leave her be? I mostly leave her be because I don't want her to pull farther away. I want to say, "Good night, love you" so she doesn't question if I care, but would that be awkward?

It's specific things like these I keep asking God, and he keeps reminding me to trust him. I feel it's good that I am coming to him though, that comforts me with the verse conditioning on blameless walks and faithful ones. So I end where I began, knowing the answer, but continually asking the question. So now I need to seek that peace, and follow God - whether my mind completely understands or not.

Isaiah 26:3

It is always so exciting to see a change in myself.
Yesterday I was pondering about things that are going on in my life (aside from parenting, which is somewhat consuming). A few weeks ago I struggling with my thinking. Not bad thoughts, but just too many thoughts. I am a thinker in that I can spend hours just sitting with my mind going, and while thinking can be a strength, sometimes it feels like a weakness. I had been over-thinking my life too often didn't like it, but didn't know what to do about it - think some more?
So in part due to my busy-ness and the resulting need to trust God, I haven't been so consumed by what ifs. Then yesterday when I had time to think, my mind didn't want to over-think life. I started to what if, then quickly realized it was a useless waste of time and that I don't have to worry what if this and what if that. My heart reminded me that God is in control and how much my love for him and his love for me is enough.
Then last night I was finishing up a book and it confirmed the same. That when we trust in God, it doesn't matter what is going on around us, we can take a risk and have peace about it. It is great, my heart and mind communicating again.

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you

A Different Kind of Freedom

When I was a sophomore in high school I made a decision: my first kiss was going to be after “I do,” and immediately preceded by the words “you may kiss the bride.” The reason I made this decision: I saw my friends who had broken up with their boyfriends cry their eyes out and I did not want to be in that place. So I asked myself, “What is different about that relationship than other friendships?” I determined that is was kissing. Non-romantic friendships include hugging, so that’s not it, I thought, it must be that extra physical aspect. (looking back now, I just realized how much of my church/youth group upbringing likely affected this decision, that I assumed it was because of the physical part of the relationship and didn’t consider other pieces of a relationship.)

I have stuck with the decision - not as though I have had opportunities to challenge my decision - but against people telling me I was crazy, that I would change my mind when challenged... I always said, “No, I made that decision a long time ago and I am sticking to it.” I have even had support: something in a book I read, a couple I admire making that decision. So I never questioned it - I made a promise to myself and I am not one to go back on my promises.

So why am I writing this? I have been confronted with a piece of truth: “Our wounds, our vows, and the agreements we’ve made with the messages [from those wounds] all give ground to the Enemy in our lives” (Captivating, p.105).

I made this decision (vow) because I didn’t want to get hurt; I didn’t want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is something God is continuing to work on in my heart. I see more and more that I live a very independent life; it is my way of coping with the disappointments in life. “I can do/handle whatever it is, and I don’t need help;” that has been my mindset. But that isn’t what God wants; he wants to be my savior. This decision, no matter if it is good or bad, was made from a place of self-protection, but I am giving up (and will have to over and over again) that way of living. I am choosing to let God be my protector. As a result of this new choice, I have to surrender that vow I made years ago. It’s harder than it sounds; I have lived with that decision for fourteen years and now I am letting go.

I might make the same decision again, but if I do, it will be from a wiser place. I have seen value in this choice, and will re-evaluate it. But I can no longer live with a decision made from a reason and way of life that I no longer believe or chose to live in.

Today is a day of freedom; not only for our country, but for my heart! Praise God.

In the dark

I don’t know what to do. The course I was going to take in the fall is not being offered. This completely baffles me as it is a core course for the statistics program and I wasn’t at all concerned that it would be removed when they revised the schedule. But it’s gone. There are hardly any grad stat courses.

So I have two thoughts crossing through my mind. Do I take the only course that fits my schedule even though it was not a course I was going to take, just to take a course and remain an enrolled student? Do I not take any courses? If I don’t take a course, what does that mean for my future? Will I go back? It will certainly make life easier in the way of balancing my time, but what about the future of my job? Without the additional education, I will certainly be bored in my job. I was looking forward to a 500-level course that wouldn’t be too tough – thought that would be good for balancing the addition of raising a child. So now what? I don’t know.

God – what is going on?! What is your plan for my life? I heard you tell me to not worry about how I will pay for this semester – is that because you knew that class wasn’t going to be offered? I know you show me a step at a time, but this seems unclear. And I feel like I am taking so many steps in so many directions that I don’t know which way to look. What path are you lighting? Where does it lead? Is there something I am not seeing?

Yea church

I really enjoyed church Sunday. The message was so encouraging. But even beyond that I think what put me in a really good mood was that I was able to "get a prayer out." It sounds odd to say in words, because it was more like a feeling.
I have been wanting to pray for my future foster child, but haven't known what to say. The boldness and trust with which we should approach God caught my attention. Now, I do usually "approach the throne of grace with confidence," so maybe it was more believing that God does want to heal - emotionally in this case. During some of the earlier training in my foster classes it was mentioned that the children take two years to begin to show signs of emotional healing. That sounded ridiculous to me. I thought of my time in Colombia and the changes that I saw in the children over the ten weeks were there. Yet I was doubting that would happen here. Those foster classes prepare one for the worst, and I was in that mindframe. But Sunday morning the idea that God can heal quickly was presented, and I felt that my inital thought on Him healing the foster children's hearts was correct. So I prayed for my future foster child and his/her parents; it was really good. =)

Ask

Yesterday at church we heard about several ideas, but one thing that was said hit me- I made what I thought was an interesting connection.
I have begun to define some rules for when my foster child moves in. I have been trying to make them general enough that they will apply as soon as the child moves in, but also continue to be relevant throughout their time in my home. For a (counter) example - using nice words when talking to and about others will be something I will include. I suspect that it will be necessary, but maybe not at first. I think that modeling this behavior first is going to be important. Also it might be good to give the child time to heal a little.
This is not my point however, what I was thinking of during church yesterday was my first rule: Ask if you want or need anything. This has two purposes: first it says what may seem as obvious - don't just take or do anything you want. But secondly, and what may also be a problem with this children, is that it says that it is safe to ask for things. You aren't going to get yelled at because you want something; you will be listened to.
This is the part that reminds me of God. So often we don't ask things of God, but he wants us to ask. Matthew? (ask seek knock), James 1... The verse that says, you do not have because you do not ask and when you ask, believe that God will answer you. (something like that; I'm not in a place to look it up now) God does want to bless us, and yes it is not always in the same way we think it should be, but he hears us and considers our requests.
My parents arrived Thursday night; I wish they would follow this rule too. I would love to provide for them, but they brought their own sheets and blankets! Don't they know and understand that I have plenty of these items and it saddens me that they fend for themselves instead of asking for a need from abundance. That must be how God feels when we try to figure life out on our own and don't ask for his help.

Vunerable

I was relating a story this week: last summer I asked a good friend about my weaknesses- what did she see as my biggest weakness? Her answer: vunerability. Just stopping there I can say my life has changed since. But I want more.
It's almost scary to admit, but I want more openness and vunerability in my life. Tonight I long for something deeper. My heart yearns and aches for love. When I wrestled with the notion when it was first presented, I was scared of getting hurt. That is a chance I take when I open up to others. But now I welcome the possibility for deeper, real relationships. Maybe that is why I am so brave tonight to share this. (although it could also be due to less screening because it is late ;-). ) but as much time as I have spent in prayer this week, I can't help but think this is of God; what amazing thing does he have in store?

Conversations with God

Sunday at church, at the end of the worship set, I was praying about what was on my heart, which included bringing some desires forward. We had been singing about God being enough, or something along those lines, when I prayed, "Lord, I know you are enough, but it would be really nice to have ___." Then our worship leader began to pray - "Thank you for being a God who says yes..." That was odd; not a common prayer. Was God telling me yes? It sure felt that way. So, I was thinking later, if God is telling me yes, that often comes with action from me (I'm getting it!), so what do I need to do? I'm not going to share what the answer was here, but it lead to one of those conversations with God that happen when the Lord speaks for me to do something out of my comfort zone.

If you were to listen to just my side of the conversation it would go something like this:
I could do this, but what about ___ ? ... oh yeah, I guess that's true. but what about ___ ? ... hmm, yeah I know that too. Then there's this complication.... I know, I know. guess I know what I need to do here.

Then God's side of the conversation:
(Insert string of appropriate Bible verses/ideas based on verses here) Some common ones: Matthew 6 "I will provide" ... Isaiah 55 "My ways are beyond your ways" ... "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

I find it amusing how common this conversation is. and although one might think that I should stop second guessing, I find comfort in these conversations. First, it reminds me how important that verse is in Psalms about hiding the Word in your heart and makes me grateful for growing up in a family and church where God's Word was valued. Secondly, I can recall the conversation and find assurance that God is behind this idea and is there to support me during those times when I or someone else question my actions.

God never stops teaching

This has been an interesting week. Saturday was my first training day for fostering and Sunday I was an emotional mess. By Wednesday I had gathered my thoughts and had enough time and conversations to process everything and see more clearly. I wrote about Saturday’s training on my foster blog and in doing such God revealed a new lesson he has for me. Since then my mind has continued to process and it seems God has quite a set of lessons.

Here they are in no particular order:

Lesson #1: Community. When I decided to be a foster parent I knew that I would need support from my friends and family, but I had no idea how much. Already I have been asking friends for prayer and support. It is a very humbling thing to do. I also knew that I would need God, but I wasn’t putting these together. God told me that he is part of the community/network of support that I need, interwoven into it and head of it. I need to get back into daily devotional time. I don’t know how I will make it without my ‘daily bread’ to give me strength.

Lesson #2: Love. This is a continuation of what God has been teaching me. Now the challenge will be to love the parents of the foster children. It has been easy to be appalled at people, but difficult to feel love. I couldn’t express it appropriately in words Sunday, but God has called me as a follower of Jesus to love the birth parents. I was struggling with how to view them, and this week God has shown me that it is through His eyes. These people are broken and hurting and in need of God’s love and prayer.

Lesson #3: Identity in Christ. I thought I had this down. Really I did. Guess I shouldn’t be so proud. There are many things that people find their identity in, but I have been content and confident with my identity as a child of God for years. This last fall I was faced with the possibly of not being able to continue my masters program, but I knew that whatever the outcome it didn’t change who I was. I was excited to face a test of my identity and feel like I passed. But one thing I have never faced is the parent role. I have prided myself in my ability to care for children and have expected to be a mom since I was a little girl, so I can see how this could be an area where I might struggle with who I am. In thinking through the foster situation, my role became confusing. I am not the child’s mother, but I will be acting as a mom and feeling love towards the child like a mom. But the child will (probably) have a mom; so I wondered: “what does that make me?” God’s response: my child. Guess I am not done learning that lesson in finding my identity in Christ.

So if you are reading this, please pray for me. Pray that I will find my strength in God and take time out each day for Him. Pray that when I need help, I won’t be too proud to ask for it. Pray that God will help me to see the birth parents as people in need of love and that He will give me words when I have to talk to the children about these complex relationships. Pray that I will not lose sight of who I am in Christ. Thank you, God bless!!!

Change long-coming

The people that know me well, know this – I relate to music. Well, as a member of the worship team I suppose that is not all that surprising, but many lessons and whatnot I find expressed in song. So as I craft this entry, I am going to try to mold my testimony around the songs in my life.

This is something long coming… I don’t remember when this song came out, but it was probably high school – “History Maker” by Delirious. I said to myself – I want that – I want to be a ‘history maker,’ to leave a lasting effect on my world. In 1999 I went to Colombia for 10 weeks and worked with street children – and really enjoyed it. While there I asked God if that was in his plan for me – and he answered ‘no’ that there are children in the US who need love just as much. I thought about taking in teens who were close to running away or in a bad situation. But as a single female, that was not something I was comfortable doing alone; so although it has come to mind over these ten years I have always said later.

That following school year I began attending a church who, as they say “do the stuff.” This was a great time of support and growth and I wanted to take that back with me (to Vacaville) after college. Doing so was much more difficult than I thought and after a couple years I stopped trying. Although I was heavily involved in church ministries, it wasn’t quite the same. And by the time I moved away, most of it was routine than heartfelt service. There were moments in my last couple years in Vacaville of rekindled desire to live a ‘dramatic’ or ‘radical’ Christian life – usually brought on by songs like “Brave” by Nichole Nordeman and “What Are You Waiting For” by Natalie Grant. These songs echo the deep desires of my heart. Unfortunately those desires were so buried that they never saw the light of day and never lasted long enough to change my habits.

So for years I wanted more but never took any real steps to get where I wanted to be. I hoped that a new location would bring new life, and while that did not happen overnight, walls have been crumbled and the rubble is being removed. What hit me hard about Crazy Love; it asked if our lives would really change or if we just had kind-hearted words and feelings. I felt I was being called out; I could no longer pretend that my good intentions were enough.

So here I am - only a couple steps away from being a foster parent. (including a good month’s worth of training) I am not really nervous about it, and it seems like this is what I am meant to do. I feel like - why didn't I see this before?

It ties in well with what God has been teaching me about love too; about caring for others. Much of my time in San Diego God has reminded me about the importance of community. So often I try to do things on my own- being independent comes both from my own character and from my circumstances. It is hard for me to ask for help. But I know that I am going to need help and this experience will be a good lesson: in living in community, asking for help, developing friendships...

I really expect a lot from God- to see Him move in mighty ways - and that is really exciting.
...some verses that are resonating: James 1:22,17; Ephesians 2:10

The Now What

We finished reading Crazy Love for our small group. I still have so much to process. I am a thinker and often get so distracted by my thoughts that I don't take action. Listening to everyone talk about how their lives are going to change made me realize that even if I am not done thinking I need to start doing. Really.
(So thanks everyone from small group for encouraging me. I know I sat there in silence, but I appreciated the discussion around me.)
When an idea comes to mind repeatedly I can tell it is God. What has been on my mind and heart for years is the desire to take in children who need a loving home. My thoughts have always been either, "maybe someday if I'm married," or "when I have a home and good income." But why not now? Any excuse I come up gets shot down. So I am going to look into fostering children. It's kind of crazy - I'm single, working full time and going to graduate school, but so what. It's not as if other people aren't doing that out of necessity. If it is God's will, He will provide. I have no doubts about that.

Processing life

After talking to a friend whose life is ministry, it has made me think about ministry in my life. I don't expect to spend my life in full time ministry, but I can do more. One of the ways her family blesses others is through hospitality. Later in the week, on the video clip we watched in small group, the same thing was spoken of. And with a new perspective for me: this house is not my home, it belongs to God. As I am hoping to buy a house (condo), this made me consider how I will treat this dwelling. I want the place I live to be a place where people can come and be welcomed. But the more I think about this, the more God reminds me that I don't have to wait to own a place to do this. It is like my view on exercising, if I want to be in shape later, I should get in shape now. -- This reminds me of the message Sunday: be ready for Jesus to return now. I need to be who I want to be, not just hope I will be different some day. (I've heard that before.)
Well, I think God is saying something here, now I just need to ask what action to take.
...anyone want to come over for dinner?

Saturday morning light

God is love.

   to know God ... is to know love.

   to be like God ... is to be love. 

Doesn't that sound more challenging, more fulfilling, more real - to be love - 

than to be loving?

I keep hearing, from God & His children, that compassion is not compassion without action, that loving God and loving others (being love) necessitates action. Not just words or feelings. And it isn't supposed to be just big events. A 2-service/year visits to church doesn't make someone a church-goer, and neither does the occasional act of kindness make us "love."

I am challenged.

...and he will give you the desires of your heart

This Christmas, my mom gave Shutterfly calendars to everyone in the family and I helped her create them. One of the things I added to this 2nd annual tradition was Bible verses. I put a verse on one page, and my mom loved that and asked me to do so for all. I did some and left the rest up to her. So I don't remember who added February's verse, but I think it was Mom.

I flipped the calendar page last night and read this verse: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

My first thought was, Ah, February, the month of love, with Valentine's day right in the middle of it.

And although this might have been the reason for the placement of this verse, I felt it timely for my life. God prompted me to stop and think about it. I wondered, "What does it mean to delight yourself in the Lord?" I pulled out my old Student Application Bible in the New Living Translation to see what it said. "Take delight in the Lord." A little clearer, but I was hoping for a different word. Delight. Hmm.

As I was going to bed I was thinking more about this concept. I have always looked at this from a future perspective, as if this verse is always YET to come true. Then I realized that God has already fulfilled this promise in my life. Yes, there are still -- and will always be -- things my heart desires, but that makes this promise even better. It is this ongoing process: continue to delight yourself in the Lord and he will continue to give you the desires of your heart. So what desire has God given me? I have mentioned it before: grad school.

This new perspective helps me to understand the verse; I can change my question from this abstract thought of "what does it mean...?" to "what was I doing in my life... how was my perspective at that time... when God gave me the desire of my heart?" I know the answer to this question! (If you have read this blog, you know too!) I was living with hope and the knowledge that God would do what was best in my life.

Living with desires for something specific, but trusting God --that His will is best, not knowing if His will includes this specific desire. That is how I have been living. It is new. It is almost paradoxical. It is great!

What Spills Out

When I was home for Christmas I went to my youth pastor's church. He gave an object lesson along with his message: when you have a cup filled to the brim, the slightest movement or bump in any direction causes what is in the cup to spill out. The same is true of our lives, whatever we are full of spills out when we are bumped. 

I thought of this lesson because on the trolley tonight (yesterday) there was a girl who I would say was full of anger; she was beraiding someone on the phone for the smallest thing. The anger in her voice over the fact that the other person was not there to pick her up reflected something darker inside. This made me think of the sermon and how true it is. Then I wonder: what I am full of and what is spilling out of me?

Second Greatest Commandment

Love. That's what God's lesson is for me. 

Recently - within the past couple months - I have been looking back at my life and seeing the things God has been doing. So Saturday I was thinking, if asked the question: what has God been doing in your life?, I could go back to just this last week. It would take some time to share the large amount I have seen in the last six months. 

Then Sunday at church our Pastor was talking about at an old church he was at where they did Testimony Sunday every now and then. He said it seemed like it was always the same people going up and talking about what happened fifeteen years ago in their lives. He wondered, well what is God doing now? This is part of the journey I have been over the last year: seeing God's hand in my life from years ago to seeing his hand in my life now. It is quite exciting. 

So I want to share what it is God is teaching me now. I was living for a month or so, not knowing what was going to happen in the next chapter of my life and having the possibilities change from week to week. While I was secure and at peace knowing that whatever God has in mind is best, it did get tough having that large uncertainty for so long. So when I learned that I was not going to be leading a small group, I was okay with it, but disappointed. I really wanted to have a group, but I knew God had a reason as to why not. So this last week I learned that reason. I had been wondering why (concerned) I wasn't able to put into words why I wanted to lead; I am glad I was never asked to. I had this idea of what a good small group would look like, but when I really thought about it this last week, me leading was not necessarily part of that equation. 

Glorifying God and pointing people towards him was and is something that I see as important. But God drew my attention this week to a piece of that puzzle I was missing. Part of glorifying Him is loving others. I have been aware that loving people is not a burden I have felt before, but now it is. If I am to be a good leader, I really need to care about the people in my group, and it is likely I won't know (all) these people - and caring about people I don't know is often hard for me. The words to an old Ginny Owens song hit me and brought this lesson clearly into focus: "I could show up every Sunday, lead the choir and Bible study; and they all might come to know me as a leader and a friend... but if I do not love, I am nothing." 

I have used excuses before as to why it is more difficult for me, but God is telling me those exuses are not acceptable. So my prayer is that God will change my heart and show me where he wants me to actively show love towards others and give me the courage to follow through. I already see him starting to change my heart. It's funny; I feel like this lesson has a deadline - ten weeks then the small groups start the next season in April. So I know I will still have plenty to learn, but the deadline (I wish I had a better term) makes me feel more proactive about it. I would not have asked God what I can do to learn a lesson otherwise. 

Facing Uncertainty; Part 2

(back-dated post)

After I took my final, I knew it was over. There is no way, I said, that I can pass. I did not ace the final as I needed to. God only knows what the future holds, but I can trust him. I was glad to sing Song of Hope at church; that was where I was. 

------

God had brought to mind over the fall the idea of leading a small group. I knew that time was not right then, but I felt that it was soon. So when I began to ask what is next if it isn't school, this came back to mind. I thought with all the time on my hands from not being in school I will have time to really prepare and do a good job. So I mentioned it. There was interest shown, and I was glad to think it might be a possibility and that God could use me. I had noticed a lot of growth in myself over the semester, and was excited about the idea of serving. 

So I found out Christmas Eve that I was given the grade I needed for my course. (merry christmas!) I was in shock; it was literally grace that got me by and I was not expecting it. I had become at peace with not being in school, and now had to get excited about school all over again. I decided that I would only take one course and I could still lead a small group. I had lost the urgency I previously felt over finishing in a certain time period.

I re-mentioned my interest and learned that there was a small group leaders meeting the next day. What great timing - I guess I should have learned from the past that just because I make a deadline does not mean God is going to give me that. I wasn't able to find a co-leader and am not leading a group this season. When I left the meeting I did not know this. I went from, what I am going to do in the spring: go to school? I will to have wait and find out. ...to... Am I going to lead a small group in the spring? I will have to wait and find out. 

God's will; that continues to be my prayer as I remind myself it is what is best.