Saturday, July 4, 2009

A Different Kind of Freedom

When I was a sophomore in high school I made a decision: my first kiss was going to be after “I do,” and immediately preceded by the words “you may kiss the bride.” The reason I made this decision: I saw my friends who had broken up with their boyfriends cry their eyes out and I did not want to be in that place. So I asked myself, “What is different about that relationship than other friendships?” I determined that is was kissing. Non-romantic friendships include hugging, so that’s not it, I thought, it must be that extra physical aspect. (looking back now, I just realized how much of my church/youth group upbringing likely affected this decision, that I assumed it was because of the physical part of the relationship and didn’t consider other pieces of a relationship.)

I have stuck with the decision - not as though I have had opportunities to challenge my decision - but against people telling me I was crazy, that I would change my mind when challenged... I always said, “No, I made that decision a long time ago and I am sticking to it.” I have even had support: something in a book I read, a couple I admire making that decision. So I never questioned it - I made a promise to myself and I am not one to go back on my promises.

So why am I writing this? I have been confronted with a piece of truth: “Our wounds, our vows, and the agreements we’ve made with the messages [from those wounds] all give ground to the Enemy in our lives” (Captivating, p.105).

I made this decision (vow) because I didn’t want to get hurt; I didn’t want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is something God is continuing to work on in my heart. I see more and more that I live a very independent life; it is my way of coping with the disappointments in life. “I can do/handle whatever it is, and I don’t need help;” that has been my mindset. But that isn’t what God wants; he wants to be my savior. This decision, no matter if it is good or bad, was made from a place of self-protection, but I am giving up (and will have to over and over again) that way of living. I am choosing to let God be my protector. As a result of this new choice, I have to surrender that vow I made years ago. It’s harder than it sounds; I have lived with that decision for fourteen years and now I am letting go.

I might make the same decision again, but if I do, it will be from a wiser place. I have seen value in this choice, and will re-evaluate it. But I can no longer live with a decision made from a reason and way of life that I no longer believe or chose to live in.

Today is a day of freedom; not only for our country, but for my heart! Praise God.

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