(Back-dated post.)First week of December: I realized I probably wouldn't pass Advanced Mathematical Statistics. I thought I did better on the second exam, but I didn't. The new material was not easy either.
(Tues) So when I was driving out the parking lot after school and thought two things. 1st - I want to be in school. When I started I was just doing it because it seemed like the best thing to do. But the thought of it being gone made me realize how much I really am enjoying learning and being challenged. 2nd - This doesn't change who I am. God still loves me and I am still his child. This came both as something I knew and something God was reminding me of. It was encouraging to me to be faced with a trial and know, not just think that I know, that I find my identity in God. It was difficult however wondering if it would change how other people see me. (Wed) I am so thankful for my new boss; I had a good conversation with her and it helped me to not be concerned about that.
(Thur) So I spoke with my professor and she said don't worry about it just focus on studying for the final. Easy for her to say I thought. She said she would weight the final if I did better on it. She also looked at my grades, and didn't seem worried about my passing. But I did the math, even weighting the final, and I thought I am going to have to ace the final. And it isn't as though I didn't study for the other exams.
The other thing that had me turned around was that I wasn't sure what to do if I didn't pass - this is a two part class. Do I just retake the class and be one year behind, or do I take background courses first? If I take background courses, they don't start until the fall as well, so then I would be two years behind. I hadn't made a plan in YEARS. God always foiled them. (Note blog title: one lit step. That's the way my life is, just seeing the next step.) And when I finally make plans, and can say: here is where I see myself in five years -- again I see my plans being destroyed.
What really had me worried was that I thought I had to pay spring tuition the first week of December without knowing if I was even returning. My friend Ali told me not to worry. Just a simple direct statement reminding me to trust God. I tried to justify it by rationalizing my worry and calling it something else. I realized later (and after learning I didn't have to pay the tuition so soon) that she was right.
My perspective changed from that point. I was thankful to have made a friend at school, and at the least got her thinking about church. If only for that influence I thought it worth it. I didn't know what I would be doing in the spring, but I had to trust God that He has planned what is best for me. It was hard, but I really believed it. I began to ask, what is it then that you have planned?