Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Change long-coming

The people that know me well, know this – I relate to music. Well, as a member of the worship team I suppose that is not all that surprising, but many lessons and whatnot I find expressed in song. So as I craft this entry, I am going to try to mold my testimony around the songs in my life.

This is something long coming… I don’t remember when this song came out, but it was probably high school – “History Maker” by Delirious. I said to myself – I want that – I want to be a ‘history maker,’ to leave a lasting effect on my world. In 1999 I went to Colombia for 10 weeks and worked with street children – and really enjoyed it. While there I asked God if that was in his plan for me – and he answered ‘no’ that there are children in the US who need love just as much. I thought about taking in teens who were close to running away or in a bad situation. But as a single female, that was not something I was comfortable doing alone; so although it has come to mind over these ten years I have always said later.

That following school year I began attending a church who, as they say “do the stuff.” This was a great time of support and growth and I wanted to take that back with me (to Vacaville) after college. Doing so was much more difficult than I thought and after a couple years I stopped trying. Although I was heavily involved in church ministries, it wasn’t quite the same. And by the time I moved away, most of it was routine than heartfelt service. There were moments in my last couple years in Vacaville of rekindled desire to live a ‘dramatic’ or ‘radical’ Christian life – usually brought on by songs like “Brave” by Nichole Nordeman and “What Are You Waiting For” by Natalie Grant. These songs echo the deep desires of my heart. Unfortunately those desires were so buried that they never saw the light of day and never lasted long enough to change my habits.

So for years I wanted more but never took any real steps to get where I wanted to be. I hoped that a new location would bring new life, and while that did not happen overnight, walls have been crumbled and the rubble is being removed. What hit me hard about Crazy Love; it asked if our lives would really change or if we just had kind-hearted words and feelings. I felt I was being called out; I could no longer pretend that my good intentions were enough.

So here I am - only a couple steps away from being a foster parent. (including a good month’s worth of training) I am not really nervous about it, and it seems like this is what I am meant to do. I feel like - why didn't I see this before?

It ties in well with what God has been teaching me about love too; about caring for others. Much of my time in San Diego God has reminded me about the importance of community. So often I try to do things on my own- being independent comes both from my own character and from my circumstances. It is hard for me to ask for help. But I know that I am going to need help and this experience will be a good lesson: in living in community, asking for help, developing friendships...

I really expect a lot from God- to see Him move in mighty ways - and that is really exciting.
...some verses that are resonating: James 1:22,17; Ephesians 2:10