Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Isaiah 26:3

It is always so exciting to see a change in myself.
Yesterday I was pondering about things that are going on in my life (aside from parenting, which is somewhat consuming). A few weeks ago I struggling with my thinking. Not bad thoughts, but just too many thoughts. I am a thinker in that I can spend hours just sitting with my mind going, and while thinking can be a strength, sometimes it feels like a weakness. I had been over-thinking my life too often didn't like it, but didn't know what to do about it - think some more?
So in part due to my busy-ness and the resulting need to trust God, I haven't been so consumed by what ifs. Then yesterday when I had time to think, my mind didn't want to over-think life. I started to what if, then quickly realized it was a useless waste of time and that I don't have to worry what if this and what if that. My heart reminded me that God is in control and how much my love for him and his love for me is enough.
Then last night I was finishing up a book and it confirmed the same. That when we trust in God, it doesn't matter what is going on around us, we can take a risk and have peace about it. It is great, my heart and mind communicating again.

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you

Saturday, July 4, 2009

A Different Kind of Freedom

When I was a sophomore in high school I made a decision: my first kiss was going to be after “I do,” and immediately preceded by the words “you may kiss the bride.” The reason I made this decision: I saw my friends who had broken up with their boyfriends cry their eyes out and I did not want to be in that place. So I asked myself, “What is different about that relationship than other friendships?” I determined that is was kissing. Non-romantic friendships include hugging, so that’s not it, I thought, it must be that extra physical aspect. (looking back now, I just realized how much of my church/youth group upbringing likely affected this decision, that I assumed it was because of the physical part of the relationship and didn’t consider other pieces of a relationship.)

I have stuck with the decision - not as though I have had opportunities to challenge my decision - but against people telling me I was crazy, that I would change my mind when challenged... I always said, “No, I made that decision a long time ago and I am sticking to it.” I have even had support: something in a book I read, a couple I admire making that decision. So I never questioned it - I made a promise to myself and I am not one to go back on my promises.

So why am I writing this? I have been confronted with a piece of truth: “Our wounds, our vows, and the agreements we’ve made with the messages [from those wounds] all give ground to the Enemy in our lives” (Captivating, p.105).

I made this decision (vow) because I didn’t want to get hurt; I didn’t want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is something God is continuing to work on in my heart. I see more and more that I live a very independent life; it is my way of coping with the disappointments in life. “I can do/handle whatever it is, and I don’t need help;” that has been my mindset. But that isn’t what God wants; he wants to be my savior. This decision, no matter if it is good or bad, was made from a place of self-protection, but I am giving up (and will have to over and over again) that way of living. I am choosing to let God be my protector. As a result of this new choice, I have to surrender that vow I made years ago. It’s harder than it sounds; I have lived with that decision for fourteen years and now I am letting go.

I might make the same decision again, but if I do, it will be from a wiser place. I have seen value in this choice, and will re-evaluate it. But I can no longer live with a decision made from a reason and way of life that I no longer believe or chose to live in.

Today is a day of freedom; not only for our country, but for my heart! Praise God.