Monday, August 24, 2009

New avenue to see God

Who is reading this anyhow? As far as I know, I have one person following my blog without me sending a link at each post. So since this is dead end of a way to share, I am feeling brave in sharing this here.
I haven’t made any previous announcements about this. If you have seen me at church, you probably figured it out anyhow. I have a boyfriend. So why I am sharing this here, in this place I created to share about what God’s doing? Well, it’s because God is using him to remind me of who He is.
Ever since the first day I met this guy, I have been really comfortable around him. He is very much himself; that is he doesn’t try to hide who is or be what he isn’t. That has made me feel that I can be the same way. It’s good not to have to feel guarded in who I am, in fear that I might be rejected. (This is a struggle I have faced in varying degrees for years – well maybe forever.) It’s not as though I haven’t continued to deal with this fearful feeling, but it is usually when I am caught up in my own mind.
So last night I was in that place again, feeling like I had to explain myself as I was staring across the room – then I looked at this guy and that fear went away. I knew that he wasn’t judging me or wanting me to be a certain way – instead I knew that he accepts and appreciates who I am. It feels good to be in that place. When I thought about that feeling this morning, God reminded me that this is how He feels about me. I know this: that God accepts who I am. He created me this way! But it is a different understanding having a fellow human convey God’s message through more than a sermon. And knowing that God is with me all the time, that I never have to feel those fears, makes me feel very loved. God’s love is so great!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I have a rock on my desk

I have a rock on my desk. It’s been there for a while now. They passed them out at church one day and I put it in my purse, then pulled it out at work and there it sits. It’s not a very big rock, but symbolizes a lot. When I was in college we had these chapels called Stones of Remembrance chapel. The concept was taken from the Old Testament when the Israelites crossed the Jordon River and then built an altar from stones on the other side of the river to remember how God parted the river so they could cross. The chapel was a time of testimony from the community; there would be three students each chapel who had a rock, usually with a verse on it, that represented some turning point or lesson that God had been working at in their lives. There is a pile of these stones on campus; our altar of sorts, reminding us that God is still at work in our lives. This rock on my desk reminds me in the same way that God has been and continues to be at work, and is why they were passed out at church. I like this reminder, and it also has served to remind me to pray for my friends and co-workers who also need this reminder.
I have a rock on my desk, and while it may seem odd, it’s not going anywhere.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Balancing Act

The answer: trust God. It always come down to the same thing. I just need to ask God, go with what gives me peace (the kind beyond our understanding), and trust that God will protect me in that. God keeps telling me this over and over. I know the answer, but I keep needing to be reminded.
I have been trying to balance guarding my heart and letting it feel. It is a delicate balance; at least it seems this way to me. When I ask how do I do this, God gives me this answer. He wants to be in control, and tells me that if I follow him, he will protect me. I was reading my Bible earlier this week, and a verse stuck out to me on this. "He is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones." Proverbs 2:?? This verse was so appropriate to the question on my mind.
There are a few different areas where I have been challenged with this. One of them is with my foster child. I want her to know that I care about her, but I have a hard time with that. She says, "don't touch me" whenever we get near each other. Should I give her a hug or leave her be? I mostly leave her be because I don't want her to pull farther away. I want to say, "Good night, love you" so she doesn't question if I care, but would that be awkward?
It's specific things like these I keep asking God, and he keeps reminding me to trust him. I feel it's good that I am coming to him though, that comforts me with the verse conditioning on blameless walks and faithful ones. So I end where I began, knowing the answer, but continually asking the question. So now I need to seek that peace, and follow God - whether my mind completely understands or not.