In the dark

I don’t know what to do. The course I was going to take in the fall is not being offered. This completely baffles me as it is a core course for the statistics program and I wasn’t at all concerned that it would be removed when they revised the schedule. But it’s gone. There are hardly any grad stat courses.

So I have two thoughts crossing through my mind. Do I take the only course that fits my schedule even though it was not a course I was going to take, just to take a course and remain an enrolled student? Do I not take any courses? If I don’t take a course, what does that mean for my future? Will I go back? It will certainly make life easier in the way of balancing my time, but what about the future of my job? Without the additional education, I will certainly be bored in my job. I was looking forward to a 500-level course that wouldn’t be too tough – thought that would be good for balancing the addition of raising a child. So now what? I don’t know.

God – what is going on?! What is your plan for my life? I heard you tell me to not worry about how I will pay for this semester – is that because you knew that class wasn’t going to be offered? I know you show me a step at a time, but this seems unclear. And I feel like I am taking so many steps in so many directions that I don’t know which way to look. What path are you lighting? Where does it lead? Is there something I am not seeing?

Yea church

I really enjoyed church Sunday. The message was so encouraging. But even beyond that I think what put me in a really good mood was that I was able to "get a prayer out." It sounds odd to say in words, because it was more like a feeling.
I have been wanting to pray for my future foster child, but haven't known what to say. The boldness and trust with which we should approach God caught my attention. Now, I do usually "approach the throne of grace with confidence," so maybe it was more believing that God does want to heal - emotionally in this case. During some of the earlier training in my foster classes it was mentioned that the children take two years to begin to show signs of emotional healing. That sounded ridiculous to me. I thought of my time in Colombia and the changes that I saw in the children over the ten weeks were there. Yet I was doubting that would happen here. Those foster classes prepare one for the worst, and I was in that mindframe. But Sunday morning the idea that God can heal quickly was presented, and I felt that my inital thought on Him healing the foster children's hearts was correct. So I prayed for my future foster child and his/her parents; it was really good. =)

Ask

Yesterday at church we heard about several ideas, but one thing that was said hit me- I made what I thought was an interesting connection.
I have begun to define some rules for when my foster child moves in. I have been trying to make them general enough that they will apply as soon as the child moves in, but also continue to be relevant throughout their time in my home. For a (counter) example - using nice words when talking to and about others will be something I will include. I suspect that it will be necessary, but maybe not at first. I think that modeling this behavior first is going to be important. Also it might be good to give the child time to heal a little.
This is not my point however, what I was thinking of during church yesterday was my first rule: Ask if you want or need anything. This has two purposes: first it says what may seem as obvious - don't just take or do anything you want. But secondly, and what may also be a problem with this children, is that it says that it is safe to ask for things. You aren't going to get yelled at because you want something; you will be listened to.
This is the part that reminds me of God. So often we don't ask things of God, but he wants us to ask. Matthew? (ask seek knock), James 1... The verse that says, you do not have because you do not ask and when you ask, believe that God will answer you. (something like that; I'm not in a place to look it up now) God does want to bless us, and yes it is not always in the same way we think it should be, but he hears us and considers our requests.
My parents arrived Thursday night; I wish they would follow this rule too. I would love to provide for them, but they brought their own sheets and blankets! Don't they know and understand that I have plenty of these items and it saddens me that they fend for themselves instead of asking for a need from abundance. That must be how God feels when we try to figure life out on our own and don't ask for his help.

Vunerable

I was relating a story this week: last summer I asked a good friend about my weaknesses- what did she see as my biggest weakness? Her answer: vunerability. Just stopping there I can say my life has changed since. But I want more.
It's almost scary to admit, but I want more openness and vunerability in my life. Tonight I long for something deeper. My heart yearns and aches for love. When I wrestled with the notion when it was first presented, I was scared of getting hurt. That is a chance I take when I open up to others. But now I welcome the possibility for deeper, real relationships. Maybe that is why I am so brave tonight to share this. (although it could also be due to less screening because it is late ;-). ) but as much time as I have spent in prayer this week, I can't help but think this is of God; what amazing thing does he have in store?