Friday, August 27, 2010

My crazy mind

This has been a rough week at work. It is one of those seasons when I wished I didn't work here. I love my boss, but we have both been under the microscope lately, as well as underappreciated for what we know and can do. What happens to me occasionally is that I get so focused and excited about God and serving him directly (because working at a Christian university is serving him indirectly) that I lose interest in my job. I have been very excited about God recently and want to soak up as much as I can from him, and learn more about him. When I get to this place where my desires are ministry-purpose centered, I see less purpose in my job. And when I don't feel appreciated and don't feel that there is eternal purpose in my job, I want to be here even less. It's a terrible slippery slope.
(One would think that at a Christian university people would be gracious. Instead it seems that they hold others unwaveringly to a high standard and will not deviate from the law. I get wanting to have integrity, but it is often past that, as the human aspect is overlooked. Well, ... I don't want to rant about that now, but did want to explain a little of what is bothering me.)
So today I read my friend's blog about their church. It was about how the church is the people, not the building, and not a service with a rigid program and sermon. Oh, how I want to go there. Being in this place of struggling contentment, I just want to quit and move. (which is how I felt yesterday, even before I read this.) I have been thinking a lot of how I am tired of living the way I am. I don’t know exactly what this means, and perhaps it’s the devil misconstruing my perspective of my life. I know God can use me where ever I am and I am praying he will use me where I am and I do see areas where he is using me. But I want more. The thing is, and this is what further confuses me, he has taught me so much over this past year about how loving him is superior to serving him, and that serving him doesn't have to be through a program at church, or a big project (i.e. foster child. I know that was right and learned a lot from it, but I know I don't have to do something that monumental.) So I want to serve God with my whole life, but I don’t what that looks like.
Being part of a body of believers who are passionate about loving God is important. I haven’t served in the church for over a year. I was on the worship team and in children’s ministry. I quit children’s ministry and never got invited back to the worship team. I haven’t attended a small group in some time. I feel very disconnected. I have signed up to work in a different part of the children’s ministry, so I am making steps. I like my church, but am not excited about it. I was to be just as excited about the body of believers I am part of as I am about God.
I don’t know where this leaves me. From the steps I have taken trying to see if God will open doors, I have seen closed doors. I wasn’t considered for another position and didn’t get accepted to a master’s program. So I don’t see my future heading farther into my current career (which actually makes me happy). The only thing I see as a positive for the 'right now' is a likely (and overdue) raise. So it seems God has me here for a while. If this is even for only one year, it is difficult. And more so thinking I won’t be around long and in expectation of something better. I guess all this is just to say where I am and prayers are appreciated.


  1. Thought I could use to read the verse of the day. haha! so appropriate after that.
    Isaiah 26:3 (New International Version)

    3 You will keep in perfect peace
    him whose mind is steadfast,
    because he trusts in you.

  2. Jenn!!

    Love you and miss you. Seems that I peek in on your life when things are really exciting or really turbulent. I'm sure there's lots in between, I just observe the highs and lows.

    May God gently lead you on the path he has for you. You are so faithful to him and he's not going to leave you hanging!

    Love you!!