Looking Back and Looking Forward

Oh, where do I begin?

Two (and a half) years ago I began blogging about the things God was teaching me and doing in my life. I had a lot on my heart and used this outlet to share. One of the first entries was on this verse: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
This week I have begun listening to a sermon series entitled "Dreaming with God." The second disc (covers so much, and) talks about this same Bible verse. The pastor makes the case that this verse, while often interpreted to mean that our dreams will come alongside of God's, is talking about much more than that. There are so many things that surround this idea, I can't explain it here. But the end result is that some dreams are our own, and not necessarily God's implants. That he allows encourages us to dream and choose our path. The simplest example is that the pastor advices someone to teach because that is what the student wants to do, and wait for God to change direction.
So as I was listening to this it made me wonder what I had said about this verse. In summary, what I had learned is that this verse is something that is continual. I had too often thought of it as a "someday" that would never come. These fit well together.

Prior to reading that, I read some of my last posts over the year. I haven't blogged as often as I used to, and it seems that when I do it is because I have learned something wonderful that I can't wait to share. (That's what got me started. I wanted to write about accountability. - coming soon to a blog near you! lol) And what was the most exciting to me about reading past blog entries is that I see God is continuing to deepen and expand my understanding. It was not the same as reading old journals when my struggles seemed to cycle. (coming soon - a new thought about introspection.)

Family

Yesterday my fiance's older brother came to visit. My fiance did not ask if it was okay, just told him the address and to let us know when he was coming. This is note-worthy because he is not a model citizen. He has spent 12 or so of his 39 years in prison, and has being doing drugs from about twelve years of age. He has a different father than the rest of 8 siblings, and is for all intents and purposes, the family outcast. (Well, one of them.) He has lost the trust of all his brothers and sisters, but my fiance, in his own repeated words "refuses to give up him. He is family."

I have visited his remote home a few times, but this was the first time he visited me. He came with his boss (the brother doesn't have a car). They visited for a while during the Super Bowl; we talked about the upcoming wedding and whatnot. We were able to have them transport some stuff we were looking to get rid of or store.

After visiting for a while, I looked at the clock and it was time to make dinner. I was already planning on pasta, and that works great for a crowd. So I made enough food for everyone, and they were thankful. Then my fiance took them to the grocery store, and stocked them up. We have provided groceries a few times for them. They were so low the brother was lamenting he didn't even have butter for the noodles to feed his daughter. When it was time to leave, the brother came inside (they had decided to leave from the store) to give me a hug and say goodbye. I thought that was so nice.

After they left we noted that we were the only ones in the family he would be able to stop by like that. As I watched a video today about how we live our lives can make a difference without our saying a word, I was reminded of yesterday's events. I was planning on going to church last night, but instead, I believe we were the church.

The Revolution Begins with You

When I was a high school senior, I had a unique English class. We read books, and we wrote essays, but it wasn’t a boring English class. (you can tell it’s not my favorite subject.) I don’t know what aspects of English as an academic subject I learned. We met in the theatre since my teacher also taught drama. So there was no board to write on, no spelling words, etc. But I learned something valuable in that class. I learned how to think critically. I would say our academic year in that class had a theme. If I had to put it into one word: revolution. Although I don’t think that accurately describes the whole of our discussions. We discussed human nature, and read books such as Lord of the Flies. From there we talked about conformity how one brings about change (revolution) and read books such as Brave New World and Animal Farm. There was one instance I remember clearly. We had a substitute and were supposed to watch Lord of Flies movie. Someone had Independence Day with him and convinced the sub to let us watch that instead. The next day the teacher wasn’t happy about it, and seemed just as upset/disappointed with the students in the class who knew better but didn’t say anything. I could have sworn she was talking to me. That instance fit so well into the theme it seemed, but it spoke to me about who I am. Yes I am quiet (especially at that time), but I am seen as someone who can take leadership and make a change. In my yearbook, my teacher wrote: “remember, the revolution begins with you.” Now I always thought about that as something spiritual.
Why am I saying all this? That was a lot about something that happened fourteen years ago. Because I believe that God gives us experiences to prepare us for our future. He is always setting us up for something greater. I believe that God wants me to be someone who is changing my world. There are times that I have tried this, but became discouraged. However, as I have maturated spiritually, I understand more and more how it is God working through me that his will is accomplished. I am coming to believe that it is possible to create change and not lose heart. (and when I say believe, I mean not theoretical belief, but living it out kind of belief.) When I read about BSSM this morning, this memory about my English class came to mind. I believe that God is going to use that to springboard me into a “revolutionary” life. I know God can use and change us wherever we are. And I don’t expect him to wait until I am there to work in my life. I know he has a lot to do with me, even in preparation for the school. When I think about what BSSM will require: financially, with my time, my commitment, etc., it is scary. It will stretch me, but following God with all my life is worth it. I will lay down my fishing net to become fishers of men.

From the heart

I shared my heart on my quilting blog.

http://jennsewsnow.blogspot.com/2010/09/from-heart.html

My crazy mind

This has been a rough week at work. It is one of those seasons when I wished I didn't work here. I love my boss, but we have both been under the microscope lately, as well as underappreciated for what we know and can do. What happens to me occasionally is that I get so focused and excited about God and serving him directly (because working at a Christian university is serving him indirectly) that I lose interest in my job. I have been very excited about God recently and want to soak up as much as I can from him, and learn more about him. When I get to this place where my desires are ministry-purpose centered, I see less purpose in my job. And when I don't feel appreciated and don't feel that there is eternal purpose in my job, I want to be here even less. It's a terrible slippery slope.
(One would think that at a Christian university people would be gracious. Instead it seems that they hold others unwaveringly to a high standard and will not deviate from the law. I get wanting to have integrity, but it is often past that, as the human aspect is overlooked. Well, ... I don't want to rant about that now, but did want to explain a little of what is bothering me.)
So today I read my friend's blog about their church. It was about how the church is the people, not the building, and not a service with a rigid program and sermon. Oh, how I want to go there. Being in this place of struggling contentment, I just want to quit and move. (which is how I felt yesterday, even before I read this.) I have been thinking a lot of how I am tired of living the way I am. I don’t know exactly what this means, and perhaps it’s the devil misconstruing my perspective of my life. I know God can use me where ever I am and I am praying he will use me where I am and I do see areas where he is using me. But I want more. The thing is, and this is what further confuses me, he has taught me so much over this past year about how loving him is superior to serving him, and that serving him doesn't have to be through a program at church, or a big project (i.e. foster child. I know that was right and learned a lot from it, but I know I don't have to do something that monumental.) So I want to serve God with my whole life, but I don’t what that looks like.
Being part of a body of believers who are passionate about loving God is important. I haven’t served in the church for over a year. I was on the worship team and in children’s ministry. I quit children’s ministry and never got invited back to the worship team. I haven’t attended a small group in some time. I feel very disconnected. I have signed up to work in a different part of the children’s ministry, so I am making steps. I like my church, but am not excited about it. I was to be just as excited about the body of believers I am part of as I am about God.
I don’t know where this leaves me. From the steps I have taken trying to see if God will open doors, I have seen closed doors. I wasn’t considered for another position and didn’t get accepted to a master’s program. So I don’t see my future heading farther into my current career (which actually makes me happy). The only thing I see as a positive for the 'right now' is a likely (and overdue) raise. So it seems God has me here for a while. If this is even for only one year, it is difficult. And more so thinking I won’t be around long and in expectation of something better. I guess all this is just to say where I am and prayers are appreciated.

Romans 8:1

There is a difference being feeling guilty and feeling convicted. Perfection does not come overnight. We cannot live life to its fullest if we are constantly focusing on our mistakes. We need to live in the freedom that Jesus has given us through his blood. We need to ask God what he has to teach us, listen to Him, and obey what He says. A runner cannot jump hurdles until he has learned how to run. Let us not condemn ourselves or each other for not jumping hurdles when we are still learning to run.

Romans 8:1 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."

Jesus didn't die so we can live good lives

(this is a bit ramble-y, but I should be working, so oh well. I just have to get my thoughts out.)
I had a really good discussion the other day which lead to this revelation in the shower. I felt the need to share it then. Jesus did not come to earth and die for our sins so that we can live a "good Christian life." The majority of Christians will say that leading a morally good life is the most important thing of being a Christian. (I read this in UnChristian, a book put out by the Barna Research group.) Wow! We as Christians are really missing the point. If that was the reason Jesus suffered and died, then it was in vain. The Pharisees had good living down. But Jesus chastised them, and told them they were missing the point. (Now he never told them living clean was wrong, but...) Jesus said it is about relationship. We need to reach out to those who are not loved, and love them! But before that we need accept God's love for ourselves- what would our lives look like if we really understood God's love for us? I have had just tastes of this and I know that is not the way so many of us strive to live (including myself). We would not be focused on the right and wrong. We would not be calculating how much time we spend in the Bible, and how many verses we read. I read a book from the Bible 2 weeks ago and I am still processing that! We so often look at quantity. If we can read one verse and be challenged or encouraged, then let's take time to mediate on that one verse. Anything we try to do out of our own power is going to fail. We need to focus on God, receiving his love, and let our lives flow from that. When I am focused on God, I am not concerned about every little detail, but paradoxically he is influencing every little detail - so much more than I would be able to do on my own.
On a related strain, I was thinking about how this would affect the way we teach our children. (speaking generally here as I do not have children) What if I did not teach my child that one thing is right and another is wrong? Don't freak out! Hear me out. What if instead, I taught them what is loving; what is God's character? We attended a message on how people often view right and wrong as determined by the Bible, but he (Josh McDowell) taught instead that right and wrong is determined because what is wrong is against God's character. So I was thinking how would this shape the way we teach children? I think with this approach, we could end up some amazing children, who love God and others throughout their entire life. If a child understood God's love from the beginning, then he or she would naturally share that. That's the way children are. And so we would have children blessing other children and adults like crazy. When they grew up, instead of rebelling against the rules, having understood God's love, they would be lights in their lives, loving and caring for everyone around them. What an impact that would have on the world. I get so excited to think about it.