In the dark

I don’t know what to do. The course I was going to take in the fall is not being offered. This completely baffles me as it is a core course for the statistics program and I wasn’t at all concerned that it would be removed when they revised the schedule. But it’s gone. There are hardly any grad stat courses.

So I have two thoughts crossing through my mind. Do I take the only course that fits my schedule even though it was not a course I was going to take, just to take a course and remain an enrolled student? Do I not take any courses? If I don’t take a course, what does that mean for my future? Will I go back? It will certainly make life easier in the way of balancing my time, but what about the future of my job? Without the additional education, I will certainly be bored in my job. I was looking forward to a 500-level course that wouldn’t be too tough – thought that would be good for balancing the addition of raising a child. So now what? I don’t know.

God – what is going on?! What is your plan for my life? I heard you tell me to not worry about how I will pay for this semester – is that because you knew that class wasn’t going to be offered? I know you show me a step at a time, but this seems unclear. And I feel like I am taking so many steps in so many directions that I don’t know which way to look. What path are you lighting? Where does it lead? Is there something I am not seeing?

Yea church

I really enjoyed church Sunday. The message was so encouraging. But even beyond that I think what put me in a really good mood was that I was able to "get a prayer out." It sounds odd to say in words, because it was more like a feeling.
I have been wanting to pray for my future foster child, but haven't known what to say. The boldness and trust with which we should approach God caught my attention. Now, I do usually "approach the throne of grace with confidence," so maybe it was more believing that God does want to heal - emotionally in this case. During some of the earlier training in my foster classes it was mentioned that the children take two years to begin to show signs of emotional healing. That sounded ridiculous to me. I thought of my time in Colombia and the changes that I saw in the children over the ten weeks were there. Yet I was doubting that would happen here. Those foster classes prepare one for the worst, and I was in that mindframe. But Sunday morning the idea that God can heal quickly was presented, and I felt that my inital thought on Him healing the foster children's hearts was correct. So I prayed for my future foster child and his/her parents; it was really good. =)

Ask

Yesterday at church we heard about several ideas, but one thing that was said hit me- I made what I thought was an interesting connection.
I have begun to define some rules for when my foster child moves in. I have been trying to make them general enough that they will apply as soon as the child moves in, but also continue to be relevant throughout their time in my home. For a (counter) example - using nice words when talking to and about others will be something I will include. I suspect that it will be necessary, but maybe not at first. I think that modeling this behavior first is going to be important. Also it might be good to give the child time to heal a little.
This is not my point however, what I was thinking of during church yesterday was my first rule: Ask if you want or need anything. This has two purposes: first it says what may seem as obvious - don't just take or do anything you want. But secondly, and what may also be a problem with this children, is that it says that it is safe to ask for things. You aren't going to get yelled at because you want something; you will be listened to.
This is the part that reminds me of God. So often we don't ask things of God, but he wants us to ask. Matthew? (ask seek knock), James 1... The verse that says, you do not have because you do not ask and when you ask, believe that God will answer you. (something like that; I'm not in a place to look it up now) God does want to bless us, and yes it is not always in the same way we think it should be, but he hears us and considers our requests.
My parents arrived Thursday night; I wish they would follow this rule too. I would love to provide for them, but they brought their own sheets and blankets! Don't they know and understand that I have plenty of these items and it saddens me that they fend for themselves instead of asking for a need from abundance. That must be how God feels when we try to figure life out on our own and don't ask for his help.

Vunerable

I was relating a story this week: last summer I asked a good friend about my weaknesses- what did she see as my biggest weakness? Her answer: vunerability. Just stopping there I can say my life has changed since. But I want more.
It's almost scary to admit, but I want more openness and vunerability in my life. Tonight I long for something deeper. My heart yearns and aches for love. When I wrestled with the notion when it was first presented, I was scared of getting hurt. That is a chance I take when I open up to others. But now I welcome the possibility for deeper, real relationships. Maybe that is why I am so brave tonight to share this. (although it could also be due to less screening because it is late ;-). ) but as much time as I have spent in prayer this week, I can't help but think this is of God; what amazing thing does he have in store?

Conversations with God

Sunday at church, at the end of the worship set, I was praying about what was on my heart, which included bringing some desires forward. We had been singing about God being enough, or something along those lines, when I prayed, "Lord, I know you are enough, but it would be really nice to have ___." Then our worship leader began to pray - "Thank you for being a God who says yes..." That was odd; not a common prayer. Was God telling me yes? It sure felt that way. So, I was thinking later, if God is telling me yes, that often comes with action from me (I'm getting it!), so what do I need to do? I'm not going to share what the answer was here, but it lead to one of those conversations with God that happen when the Lord speaks for me to do something out of my comfort zone.

If you were to listen to just my side of the conversation it would go something like this:
I could do this, but what about ___ ? ... oh yeah, I guess that's true. but what about ___ ? ... hmm, yeah I know that too. Then there's this complication.... I know, I know. guess I know what I need to do here.

Then God's side of the conversation:
(Insert string of appropriate Bible verses/ideas based on verses here) Some common ones: Matthew 6 "I will provide" ... Isaiah 55 "My ways are beyond your ways" ... "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

I find it amusing how common this conversation is. and although one might think that I should stop second guessing, I find comfort in these conversations. First, it reminds me how important that verse is in Psalms about hiding the Word in your heart and makes me grateful for growing up in a family and church where God's Word was valued. Secondly, I can recall the conversation and find assurance that God is behind this idea and is there to support me during those times when I or someone else question my actions.

God never stops teaching

This has been an interesting week. Saturday was my first training day for fostering and Sunday I was an emotional mess. By Wednesday I had gathered my thoughts and had enough time and conversations to process everything and see more clearly. I wrote about Saturday’s training on my foster blog and in doing such God revealed a new lesson he has for me. Since then my mind has continued to process and it seems God has quite a set of lessons.

Here they are in no particular order:

Lesson #1: Community. When I decided to be a foster parent I knew that I would need support from my friends and family, but I had no idea how much. Already I have been asking friends for prayer and support. It is a very humbling thing to do. I also knew that I would need God, but I wasn’t putting these together. God told me that he is part of the community/network of support that I need, interwoven into it and head of it. I need to get back into daily devotional time. I don’t know how I will make it without my ‘daily bread’ to give me strength.

Lesson #2: Love. This is a continuation of what God has been teaching me. Now the challenge will be to love the parents of the foster children. It has been easy to be appalled at people, but difficult to feel love. I couldn’t express it appropriately in words Sunday, but God has called me as a follower of Jesus to love the birth parents. I was struggling with how to view them, and this week God has shown me that it is through His eyes. These people are broken and hurting and in need of God’s love and prayer.

Lesson #3: Identity in Christ. I thought I had this down. Really I did. Guess I shouldn’t be so proud. There are many things that people find their identity in, but I have been content and confident with my identity as a child of God for years. This last fall I was faced with the possibly of not being able to continue my masters program, but I knew that whatever the outcome it didn’t change who I was. I was excited to face a test of my identity and feel like I passed. But one thing I have never faced is the parent role. I have prided myself in my ability to care for children and have expected to be a mom since I was a little girl, so I can see how this could be an area where I might struggle with who I am. In thinking through the foster situation, my role became confusing. I am not the child’s mother, but I will be acting as a mom and feeling love towards the child like a mom. But the child will (probably) have a mom; so I wondered: “what does that make me?” God’s response: my child. Guess I am not done learning that lesson in finding my identity in Christ.

So if you are reading this, please pray for me. Pray that I will find my strength in God and take time out each day for Him. Pray that when I need help, I won’t be too proud to ask for it. Pray that God will help me to see the birth parents as people in need of love and that He will give me words when I have to talk to the children about these complex relationships. Pray that I will not lose sight of who I am in Christ. Thank you, God bless!!!

Change long-coming

The people that know me well, know this – I relate to music. Well, as a member of the worship team I suppose that is not all that surprising, but many lessons and whatnot I find expressed in song. So as I craft this entry, I am going to try to mold my testimony around the songs in my life.

This is something long coming… I don’t remember when this song came out, but it was probably high school – “History Maker” by Delirious. I said to myself – I want that – I want to be a ‘history maker,’ to leave a lasting effect on my world. In 1999 I went to Colombia for 10 weeks and worked with street children – and really enjoyed it. While there I asked God if that was in his plan for me – and he answered ‘no’ that there are children in the US who need love just as much. I thought about taking in teens who were close to running away or in a bad situation. But as a single female, that was not something I was comfortable doing alone; so although it has come to mind over these ten years I have always said later.

That following school year I began attending a church who, as they say “do the stuff.” This was a great time of support and growth and I wanted to take that back with me (to Vacaville) after college. Doing so was much more difficult than I thought and after a couple years I stopped trying. Although I was heavily involved in church ministries, it wasn’t quite the same. And by the time I moved away, most of it was routine than heartfelt service. There were moments in my last couple years in Vacaville of rekindled desire to live a ‘dramatic’ or ‘radical’ Christian life – usually brought on by songs like “Brave” by Nichole Nordeman and “What Are You Waiting For” by Natalie Grant. These songs echo the deep desires of my heart. Unfortunately those desires were so buried that they never saw the light of day and never lasted long enough to change my habits.

So for years I wanted more but never took any real steps to get where I wanted to be. I hoped that a new location would bring new life, and while that did not happen overnight, walls have been crumbled and the rubble is being removed. What hit me hard about Crazy Love; it asked if our lives would really change or if we just had kind-hearted words and feelings. I felt I was being called out; I could no longer pretend that my good intentions were enough.

So here I am - only a couple steps away from being a foster parent. (including a good month’s worth of training) I am not really nervous about it, and it seems like this is what I am meant to do. I feel like - why didn't I see this before?

It ties in well with what God has been teaching me about love too; about caring for others. Much of my time in San Diego God has reminded me about the importance of community. So often I try to do things on my own- being independent comes both from my own character and from my circumstances. It is hard for me to ask for help. But I know that I am going to need help and this experience will be a good lesson: in living in community, asking for help, developing friendships...

I really expect a lot from God- to see Him move in mighty ways - and that is really exciting.
...some verses that are resonating: James 1:22,17; Ephesians 2:10