Accountability and Introspection

As promised - here are my thoughts on accountability.

When my hubby Jerry and I were getting to know each other, we had a lot of wonderful discussions that centered around our understanding of the Christian life. One of them was on the topic of accountability. After a while, I realized that we were talking about different things. My definition of accountability was not the same as his.
Jenn's thoughts: You talk to your close friends about the struggles you are dealing with. A lot of my experience is making sure that you are doing devotions, reading the Bible. Accountability is what kept me in the habit of quiet time.
Jerry's thoughts: Accountability is something you have with close friends to encourage each other to make the right decisions. You admit when you slip up and the other person helps you to forgive yourself and make the right decision the next time. Accountability is not to shame you into doing to the right thing, but to build up and give strength. It is not focused on discipline, but on life and grace.
While both definitions include something about struggles, one is more about the tally of success and failure and the other is about working through the failures to have more successes.
I don't know how much sense that makes, it is certainly not eloquent. But it was a fresh perspective of grace on a daily basis for me. Which leads me to my second topic. Introspection. I thought it was a good thing - to examine how one is doing on the way towards leading a godly life. But what often happens is that we spend our time focusing on ourselves instead of focusing on God. If we focus on God and pursue him, then we may stumble, but instead of stopping and staring what tripped us us, we move on. We go on, closer to God and the next opportunity to follow his direction. I am learning that the Christian life is not about doing good things and that when we focus on doing what is "right" then we miss the point. (Linda, your blog entry on being a good parent fits right into this.)

I was listening to this song earlier and the words in the verse hit me. This was the same idea - that his love is greater than what we are going through. And when we focus on God and his love, everything else fades away.

"When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me. "

Looking Back and Looking Forward

Oh, where do I begin?

Two (and a half) years ago I began blogging about the things God was teaching me and doing in my life. I had a lot on my heart and used this outlet to share. One of the first entries was on this verse: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
This week I have begun listening to a sermon series entitled "Dreaming with God." The second disc (covers so much, and) talks about this same Bible verse. The pastor makes the case that this verse, while often interpreted to mean that our dreams will come alongside of God's, is talking about much more than that. There are so many things that surround this idea, I can't explain it here. But the end result is that some dreams are our own, and not necessarily God's implants. That he allows encourages us to dream and choose our path. The simplest example is that the pastor advices someone to teach because that is what the student wants to do, and wait for God to change direction.
So as I was listening to this it made me wonder what I had said about this verse. In summary, what I had learned is that this verse is something that is continual. I had too often thought of it as a "someday" that would never come. These fit well together.

Prior to reading that, I read some of my last posts over the year. I haven't blogged as often as I used to, and it seems that when I do it is because I have learned something wonderful that I can't wait to share. (That's what got me started. I wanted to write about accountability. - coming soon to a blog near you! lol) And what was the most exciting to me about reading past blog entries is that I see God is continuing to deepen and expand my understanding. It was not the same as reading old journals when my struggles seemed to cycle. (coming soon - a new thought about introspection.)

Family

Yesterday my fiance's older brother came to visit. My fiance did not ask if it was okay, just told him the address and to let us know when he was coming. This is note-worthy because he is not a model citizen. He has spent 12 or so of his 39 years in prison, and has being doing drugs from about twelve years of age. He has a different father than the rest of 8 siblings, and is for all intents and purposes, the family outcast. (Well, one of them.) He has lost the trust of all his brothers and sisters, but my fiance, in his own repeated words "refuses to give up him. He is family."

I have visited his remote home a few times, but this was the first time he visited me. He came with his boss (the brother doesn't have a car). They visited for a while during the Super Bowl; we talked about the upcoming wedding and whatnot. We were able to have them transport some stuff we were looking to get rid of or store.

After visiting for a while, I looked at the clock and it was time to make dinner. I was already planning on pasta, and that works great for a crowd. So I made enough food for everyone, and they were thankful. Then my fiance took them to the grocery store, and stocked them up. We have provided groceries a few times for them. They were so low the brother was lamenting he didn't even have butter for the noodles to feed his daughter. When it was time to leave, the brother came inside (they had decided to leave from the store) to give me a hug and say goodbye. I thought that was so nice.

After they left we noted that we were the only ones in the family he would be able to stop by like that. As I watched a video today about how we live our lives can make a difference without our saying a word, I was reminded of yesterday's events. I was planning on going to church last night, but instead, I believe we were the church.

The Revolution Begins with You

When I was a high school senior, I had a unique English class. We read books, and we wrote essays, but it wasn’t a boring English class. (you can tell it’s not my favorite subject.) I don’t know what aspects of English as an academic subject I learned. We met in the theatre since my teacher also taught drama. So there was no board to write on, no spelling words, etc. But I learned something valuable in that class. I learned how to think critically. I would say our academic year in that class had a theme. If I had to put it into one word: revolution. Although I don’t think that accurately describes the whole of our discussions. We discussed human nature, and read books such as Lord of the Flies. From there we talked about conformity how one brings about change (revolution) and read books such as Brave New World and Animal Farm. There was one instance I remember clearly. We had a substitute and were supposed to watch Lord of Flies movie. Someone had Independence Day with him and convinced the sub to let us watch that instead. The next day the teacher wasn’t happy about it, and seemed just as upset/disappointed with the students in the class who knew better but didn’t say anything. I could have sworn she was talking to me. That instance fit so well into the theme it seemed, but it spoke to me about who I am. Yes I am quiet (especially at that time), but I am seen as someone who can take leadership and make a change. In my yearbook, my teacher wrote: “remember, the revolution begins with you.” Now I always thought about that as something spiritual.
Why am I saying all this? That was a lot about something that happened fourteen years ago. Because I believe that God gives us experiences to prepare us for our future. He is always setting us up for something greater. I believe that God wants me to be someone who is changing my world. There are times that I have tried this, but became discouraged. However, as I have maturated spiritually, I understand more and more how it is God working through me that his will is accomplished. I am coming to believe that it is possible to create change and not lose heart. (and when I say believe, I mean not theoretical belief, but living it out kind of belief.) When I read about BSSM this morning, this memory about my English class came to mind. I believe that God is going to use that to springboard me into a “revolutionary” life. I know God can use and change us wherever we are. And I don’t expect him to wait until I am there to work in my life. I know he has a lot to do with me, even in preparation for the school. When I think about what BSSM will require: financially, with my time, my commitment, etc., it is scary. It will stretch me, but following God with all my life is worth it. I will lay down my fishing net to become fishers of men.

From the heart

I shared my heart on my quilting blog.

http://jennsewsnow.blogspot.com/2010/09/from-heart.html

My crazy mind

This has been a rough week at work. It is one of those seasons when I wished I didn't work here. I love my boss, but we have both been under the microscope lately, as well as underappreciated for what we know and can do. What happens to me occasionally is that I get so focused and excited about God and serving him directly (because working at a Christian university is serving him indirectly) that I lose interest in my job. I have been very excited about God recently and want to soak up as much as I can from him, and learn more about him. When I get to this place where my desires are ministry-purpose centered, I see less purpose in my job. And when I don't feel appreciated and don't feel that there is eternal purpose in my job, I want to be here even less. It's a terrible slippery slope.
(One would think that at a Christian university people would be gracious. Instead it seems that they hold others unwaveringly to a high standard and will not deviate from the law. I get wanting to have integrity, but it is often past that, as the human aspect is overlooked. Well, ... I don't want to rant about that now, but did want to explain a little of what is bothering me.)
So today I read my friend's blog about their church. It was about how the church is the people, not the building, and not a service with a rigid program and sermon. Oh, how I want to go there. Being in this place of struggling contentment, I just want to quit and move. (which is how I felt yesterday, even before I read this.) I have been thinking a lot of how I am tired of living the way I am. I don’t know exactly what this means, and perhaps it’s the devil misconstruing my perspective of my life. I know God can use me where ever I am and I am praying he will use me where I am and I do see areas where he is using me. But I want more. The thing is, and this is what further confuses me, he has taught me so much over this past year about how loving him is superior to serving him, and that serving him doesn't have to be through a program at church, or a big project (i.e. foster child. I know that was right and learned a lot from it, but I know I don't have to do something that monumental.) So I want to serve God with my whole life, but I don’t what that looks like.
Being part of a body of believers who are passionate about loving God is important. I haven’t served in the church for over a year. I was on the worship team and in children’s ministry. I quit children’s ministry and never got invited back to the worship team. I haven’t attended a small group in some time. I feel very disconnected. I have signed up to work in a different part of the children’s ministry, so I am making steps. I like my church, but am not excited about it. I was to be just as excited about the body of believers I am part of as I am about God.
I don’t know where this leaves me. From the steps I have taken trying to see if God will open doors, I have seen closed doors. I wasn’t considered for another position and didn’t get accepted to a master’s program. So I don’t see my future heading farther into my current career (which actually makes me happy). The only thing I see as a positive for the 'right now' is a likely (and overdue) raise. So it seems God has me here for a while. If this is even for only one year, it is difficult. And more so thinking I won’t be around long and in expectation of something better. I guess all this is just to say where I am and prayers are appreciated.

Romans 8:1

There is a difference being feeling guilty and feeling convicted. Perfection does not come overnight. We cannot live life to its fullest if we are constantly focusing on our mistakes. We need to live in the freedom that Jesus has given us through his blood. We need to ask God what he has to teach us, listen to Him, and obey what He says. A runner cannot jump hurdles until he has learned how to run. Let us not condemn ourselves or each other for not jumping hurdles when we are still learning to run.

Romans 8:1 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."