On the edge

Last night I was trying to describe my recent prayers on ministry. I have had this anticipation and expectation of being used by God, but I could not describe it. I literally had no words. Some of this was due to the unknown details, another part was being uncertain if my dreams were from God. What I did understand was I felt God had put in my heart this understanding/belief that he was going to work individually in my life, in the lives of those closest to me, and corporately as well. Today I was finally able to get the right words to put together what I have been feeling/thinking.
I feel that we (myself and those closest to me) are on the edge of something big. That God is going to work, and not in a small way, and this time is imminent. So many people I know and they know long for something deeper, a relationship with another person where they can bare their hearts and work toward healing. It is so easy for fear to keep us from being real with others in the places where we are hurting; we fear that the other person will not recognize the hurt in his or her own life and judge us for our struggles. What I have been learning – learning as in understanding with my life, not my mind – is that we are on a journey. The Bible even says that we are running a race; we define sanctification as the process of becoming holy. Yet so often the corporate church, and myself, focus on being perfect – the end goal, and don’t appreciate or acknowledge that getting there is a difficult journey with struggles of many kinds. So what we long for, what we need, is a community where we can come together and support each other along this journey. I believe this is what God wants for his children.
What are we waiting for? What is holding us back from this? First, I believe everything in God’s time. Our desire and anticipation is growing for this, and when we proceed, it will not be half hearted. What results is going to be life altering. I am not supposing that some new wave or trend will start in the church; that is not the focus of this. At least not the organized church. We are looking at our lives and the people we touch. This focus on community is very personal. Secondly, we need to do this as a community and have everyone necessary in place. My friend noted that others need to come along on their own and not be pushed off the edge. This is very true. Certain relationships will force others along, and we don’t need to be causing harm in the pursuit of love. So now we gather and wait in anticipation on the edge of a cliff, to dive deep into the relationships and community that God has orchestrated.

the end of journaling?

I wrote in my journal last week. I hadn't written since November. I have found someone to talk to. He wants to hear what's going on in my head and my heart. He's always happy to talk, even if there are other things to be done. I haven't felt I needed to write my thoughts down as much since I've had someone to talk with. That's really nice.

New avenue to see God

Who is reading this anyhow? As far as I know, I have one person following my blog without me sending a link at each post. So since this is dead end of a way to share, I am feeling brave in sharing this here.
I haven’t made any previous announcements about this. If you have seen me at church, you probably figured it out anyhow. I have a boyfriend. So why I am sharing this here, in this place I created to share about what God’s doing? Well, it’s because God is using him to remind me of who He is.
Ever since the first day I met this guy, I have been really comfortable around him. He is very much himself; that is he doesn’t try to hide who is or be what he isn’t. That has made me feel that I can be the same way. It’s good not to have to feel guarded in who I am, in fear that I might be rejected. (This is a struggle I have faced in varying degrees for years – well maybe forever.) It’s not as though I haven’t continued to deal with this fearful feeling, but it is usually when I am caught up in my own mind.
So last night I was in that place again, feeling like I had to explain myself as I was staring across the room – then I looked at this guy and that fear went away. I knew that he wasn’t judging me or wanting me to be a certain way – instead I knew that he accepts and appreciates who I am. It feels good to be in that place. When I thought about that feeling this morning, God reminded me that this is how He feels about me. I know this: that God accepts who I am. He created me this way! But it is a different understanding having a fellow human convey God’s message through more than a sermon. And knowing that God is with me all the time, that I never have to feel those fears, makes me feel very loved. God’s love is so great!

I have a rock on my desk

I have a rock on my desk. It’s been there for a while now. They passed them out at church one day and I put it in my purse, then pulled it out at work and there it sits. It’s not a very big rock, but symbolizes a lot. When I was in college we had these chapels called Stones of Remembrance chapel. The concept was taken from the Old Testament when the Israelites crossed the Jordon River and then built an altar from stones on the other side of the river to remember how God parted the river so they could cross. The chapel was a time of testimony from the community; there would be three students each chapel who had a rock, usually with a verse on it, that represented some turning point or lesson that God had been working at in their lives. There is a pile of these stones on campus; our altar of sorts, reminding us that God is still at work in our lives. This rock on my desk reminds me in the same way that God has been and continues to be at work, and is why they were passed out at church. I like this reminder, and it also has served to remind me to pray for my friends and co-workers who also need this reminder.
I have a rock on my desk, and while it may seem odd, it’s not going anywhere.

Balancing Act

The answer: trust God. It always come down to the same thing. I just need to ask God, go with what gives me peace (the kind beyond our understanding), and trust that God will protect me in that. God keeps telling me this over and over. I know the answer, but I keep needing to be reminded.

I have been trying to balance guarding my heart and letting it feel. It is a delicate balance; at least it seems this way to me. When I ask how do I do this, God gives me this answer. He wants to be in control, and tells me that if I follow him, he will protect me. I was reading my Bible earlier this week, and a verse stuck out to me on this. "He is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones." Proverbs 2:?? This verse was so appropriate to the question on my mind.

There are a few different areas where I have been challenged with this. One of them is with my foster child. I want her to know that I care about her, but I have a hard time with that. She says, "don't touch me" whenever we get near each other. Should I give her a hug or leave her be? I mostly leave her be because I don't want her to pull farther away. I want to say, "Good night, love you" so she doesn't question if I care, but would that be awkward?

It's specific things like these I keep asking God, and he keeps reminding me to trust him. I feel it's good that I am coming to him though, that comforts me with the verse conditioning on blameless walks and faithful ones. So I end where I began, knowing the answer, but continually asking the question. So now I need to seek that peace, and follow God - whether my mind completely understands or not.

Isaiah 26:3

It is always so exciting to see a change in myself.
Yesterday I was pondering about things that are going on in my life (aside from parenting, which is somewhat consuming). A few weeks ago I struggling with my thinking. Not bad thoughts, but just too many thoughts. I am a thinker in that I can spend hours just sitting with my mind going, and while thinking can be a strength, sometimes it feels like a weakness. I had been over-thinking my life too often didn't like it, but didn't know what to do about it - think some more?
So in part due to my busy-ness and the resulting need to trust God, I haven't been so consumed by what ifs. Then yesterday when I had time to think, my mind didn't want to over-think life. I started to what if, then quickly realized it was a useless waste of time and that I don't have to worry what if this and what if that. My heart reminded me that God is in control and how much my love for him and his love for me is enough.
Then last night I was finishing up a book and it confirmed the same. That when we trust in God, it doesn't matter what is going on around us, we can take a risk and have peace about it. It is great, my heart and mind communicating again.

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you

A Different Kind of Freedom

When I was a sophomore in high school I made a decision: my first kiss was going to be after “I do,” and immediately preceded by the words “you may kiss the bride.” The reason I made this decision: I saw my friends who had broken up with their boyfriends cry their eyes out and I did not want to be in that place. So I asked myself, “What is different about that relationship than other friendships?” I determined that is was kissing. Non-romantic friendships include hugging, so that’s not it, I thought, it must be that extra physical aspect. (looking back now, I just realized how much of my church/youth group upbringing likely affected this decision, that I assumed it was because of the physical part of the relationship and didn’t consider other pieces of a relationship.)

I have stuck with the decision - not as though I have had opportunities to challenge my decision - but against people telling me I was crazy, that I would change my mind when challenged... I always said, “No, I made that decision a long time ago and I am sticking to it.” I have even had support: something in a book I read, a couple I admire making that decision. So I never questioned it - I made a promise to myself and I am not one to go back on my promises.

So why am I writing this? I have been confronted with a piece of truth: “Our wounds, our vows, and the agreements we’ve made with the messages [from those wounds] all give ground to the Enemy in our lives” (Captivating, p.105).

I made this decision (vow) because I didn’t want to get hurt; I didn’t want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is something God is continuing to work on in my heart. I see more and more that I live a very independent life; it is my way of coping with the disappointments in life. “I can do/handle whatever it is, and I don’t need help;” that has been my mindset. But that isn’t what God wants; he wants to be my savior. This decision, no matter if it is good or bad, was made from a place of self-protection, but I am giving up (and will have to over and over again) that way of living. I am choosing to let God be my protector. As a result of this new choice, I have to surrender that vow I made years ago. It’s harder than it sounds; I have lived with that decision for fourteen years and now I am letting go.

I might make the same decision again, but if I do, it will be from a wiser place. I have seen value in this choice, and will re-evaluate it. But I can no longer live with a decision made from a reason and way of life that I no longer believe or chose to live in.

Today is a day of freedom; not only for our country, but for my heart! Praise God.