I have a rock on my desk

I have a rock on my desk. It’s been there for a while now. They passed them out at church one day and I put it in my purse, then pulled it out at work and there it sits. It’s not a very big rock, but symbolizes a lot. When I was in college we had these chapels called Stones of Remembrance chapel. The concept was taken from the Old Testament when the Israelites crossed the Jordon River and then built an altar from stones on the other side of the river to remember how God parted the river so they could cross. The chapel was a time of testimony from the community; there would be three students each chapel who had a rock, usually with a verse on it, that represented some turning point or lesson that God had been working at in their lives. There is a pile of these stones on campus; our altar of sorts, reminding us that God is still at work in our lives. This rock on my desk reminds me in the same way that God has been and continues to be at work, and is why they were passed out at church. I like this reminder, and it also has served to remind me to pray for my friends and co-workers who also need this reminder.
I have a rock on my desk, and while it may seem odd, it’s not going anywhere.

Balancing Act

The answer: trust God. It always come down to the same thing. I just need to ask God, go with what gives me peace (the kind beyond our understanding), and trust that God will protect me in that. God keeps telling me this over and over. I know the answer, but I keep needing to be reminded.

I have been trying to balance guarding my heart and letting it feel. It is a delicate balance; at least it seems this way to me. When I ask how do I do this, God gives me this answer. He wants to be in control, and tells me that if I follow him, he will protect me. I was reading my Bible earlier this week, and a verse stuck out to me on this. "He is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones." Proverbs 2:?? This verse was so appropriate to the question on my mind.

There are a few different areas where I have been challenged with this. One of them is with my foster child. I want her to know that I care about her, but I have a hard time with that. She says, "don't touch me" whenever we get near each other. Should I give her a hug or leave her be? I mostly leave her be because I don't want her to pull farther away. I want to say, "Good night, love you" so she doesn't question if I care, but would that be awkward?

It's specific things like these I keep asking God, and he keeps reminding me to trust him. I feel it's good that I am coming to him though, that comforts me with the verse conditioning on blameless walks and faithful ones. So I end where I began, knowing the answer, but continually asking the question. So now I need to seek that peace, and follow God - whether my mind completely understands or not.

Isaiah 26:3

It is always so exciting to see a change in myself.
Yesterday I was pondering about things that are going on in my life (aside from parenting, which is somewhat consuming). A few weeks ago I struggling with my thinking. Not bad thoughts, but just too many thoughts. I am a thinker in that I can spend hours just sitting with my mind going, and while thinking can be a strength, sometimes it feels like a weakness. I had been over-thinking my life too often didn't like it, but didn't know what to do about it - think some more?
So in part due to my busy-ness and the resulting need to trust God, I haven't been so consumed by what ifs. Then yesterday when I had time to think, my mind didn't want to over-think life. I started to what if, then quickly realized it was a useless waste of time and that I don't have to worry what if this and what if that. My heart reminded me that God is in control and how much my love for him and his love for me is enough.
Then last night I was finishing up a book and it confirmed the same. That when we trust in God, it doesn't matter what is going on around us, we can take a risk and have peace about it. It is great, my heart and mind communicating again.

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you

A Different Kind of Freedom

When I was a sophomore in high school I made a decision: my first kiss was going to be after “I do,” and immediately preceded by the words “you may kiss the bride.” The reason I made this decision: I saw my friends who had broken up with their boyfriends cry their eyes out and I did not want to be in that place. So I asked myself, “What is different about that relationship than other friendships?” I determined that is was kissing. Non-romantic friendships include hugging, so that’s not it, I thought, it must be that extra physical aspect. (looking back now, I just realized how much of my church/youth group upbringing likely affected this decision, that I assumed it was because of the physical part of the relationship and didn’t consider other pieces of a relationship.)

I have stuck with the decision - not as though I have had opportunities to challenge my decision - but against people telling me I was crazy, that I would change my mind when challenged... I always said, “No, I made that decision a long time ago and I am sticking to it.” I have even had support: something in a book I read, a couple I admire making that decision. So I never questioned it - I made a promise to myself and I am not one to go back on my promises.

So why am I writing this? I have been confronted with a piece of truth: “Our wounds, our vows, and the agreements we’ve made with the messages [from those wounds] all give ground to the Enemy in our lives” (Captivating, p.105).

I made this decision (vow) because I didn’t want to get hurt; I didn’t want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is something God is continuing to work on in my heart. I see more and more that I live a very independent life; it is my way of coping with the disappointments in life. “I can do/handle whatever it is, and I don’t need help;” that has been my mindset. But that isn’t what God wants; he wants to be my savior. This decision, no matter if it is good or bad, was made from a place of self-protection, but I am giving up (and will have to over and over again) that way of living. I am choosing to let God be my protector. As a result of this new choice, I have to surrender that vow I made years ago. It’s harder than it sounds; I have lived with that decision for fourteen years and now I am letting go.

I might make the same decision again, but if I do, it will be from a wiser place. I have seen value in this choice, and will re-evaluate it. But I can no longer live with a decision made from a reason and way of life that I no longer believe or chose to live in.

Today is a day of freedom; not only for our country, but for my heart! Praise God.

In the dark

I don’t know what to do. The course I was going to take in the fall is not being offered. This completely baffles me as it is a core course for the statistics program and I wasn’t at all concerned that it would be removed when they revised the schedule. But it’s gone. There are hardly any grad stat courses.

So I have two thoughts crossing through my mind. Do I take the only course that fits my schedule even though it was not a course I was going to take, just to take a course and remain an enrolled student? Do I not take any courses? If I don’t take a course, what does that mean for my future? Will I go back? It will certainly make life easier in the way of balancing my time, but what about the future of my job? Without the additional education, I will certainly be bored in my job. I was looking forward to a 500-level course that wouldn’t be too tough – thought that would be good for balancing the addition of raising a child. So now what? I don’t know.

God – what is going on?! What is your plan for my life? I heard you tell me to not worry about how I will pay for this semester – is that because you knew that class wasn’t going to be offered? I know you show me a step at a time, but this seems unclear. And I feel like I am taking so many steps in so many directions that I don’t know which way to look. What path are you lighting? Where does it lead? Is there something I am not seeing?

Yea church

I really enjoyed church Sunday. The message was so encouraging. But even beyond that I think what put me in a really good mood was that I was able to "get a prayer out." It sounds odd to say in words, because it was more like a feeling.
I have been wanting to pray for my future foster child, but haven't known what to say. The boldness and trust with which we should approach God caught my attention. Now, I do usually "approach the throne of grace with confidence," so maybe it was more believing that God does want to heal - emotionally in this case. During some of the earlier training in my foster classes it was mentioned that the children take two years to begin to show signs of emotional healing. That sounded ridiculous to me. I thought of my time in Colombia and the changes that I saw in the children over the ten weeks were there. Yet I was doubting that would happen here. Those foster classes prepare one for the worst, and I was in that mindframe. But Sunday morning the idea that God can heal quickly was presented, and I felt that my inital thought on Him healing the foster children's hearts was correct. So I prayed for my future foster child and his/her parents; it was really good. =)

Ask

Yesterday at church we heard about several ideas, but one thing that was said hit me- I made what I thought was an interesting connection.
I have begun to define some rules for when my foster child moves in. I have been trying to make them general enough that they will apply as soon as the child moves in, but also continue to be relevant throughout their time in my home. For a (counter) example - using nice words when talking to and about others will be something I will include. I suspect that it will be necessary, but maybe not at first. I think that modeling this behavior first is going to be important. Also it might be good to give the child time to heal a little.
This is not my point however, what I was thinking of during church yesterday was my first rule: Ask if you want or need anything. This has two purposes: first it says what may seem as obvious - don't just take or do anything you want. But secondly, and what may also be a problem with this children, is that it says that it is safe to ask for things. You aren't going to get yelled at because you want something; you will be listened to.
This is the part that reminds me of God. So often we don't ask things of God, but he wants us to ask. Matthew? (ask seek knock), James 1... The verse that says, you do not have because you do not ask and when you ask, believe that God will answer you. (something like that; I'm not in a place to look it up now) God does want to bless us, and yes it is not always in the same way we think it should be, but he hears us and considers our requests.
My parents arrived Thursday night; I wish they would follow this rule too. I would love to provide for them, but they brought their own sheets and blankets! Don't they know and understand that I have plenty of these items and it saddens me that they fend for themselves instead of asking for a need from abundance. That must be how God feels when we try to figure life out on our own and don't ask for his help.