God is working

This has been an amazing weekend. Yesterday Jerry's older brother was reunited with his 11 year old daughter that he hadn't seen since she was a baby. They all came over to our place. It was great to be a part of that. And since his brother doesn't have a car and lives an hour away, Jerry went to get him. And we had a Christmas party to attend last night, so they stayed the night and Jerry's brother Ricky and his 4-year old daughter went to church with us this morning. This brother hasn't attended church since he was a child, but seemed eager to go. So we didn't know, but there was a healing evangelist speaking today. I was working in the nursery, so didn't see what was going on, but as we were walking to the car, Ricky says, that he was embarrassed to say anything during the service, but he got healed. I guess he told Jerry that he wanted to go forward for prayer. (Ricky said he was on the edge of his seat the whole time during the message.) So he was up there with tears rolling down his face, and he said his back just popped, down the line, without him doing anything. Then he said he felt a pain in his left foot, which hadn't been giving him any problems, but then it was gone. And he realized that the pain left through his foot. He was so excited to go back to our place and tell his girlfriend what happened. She told us he had scoliosis and checked his back, and said his spine was straight. So so exciting!!! Ricky does not (even close) live the life of a believer, although he grew up knowing and at one point said "the prayer." So we are praying this is a life-changing experience for him and his family. I think Jerry will start going and getting him (them) on weekends. He was saying before we even left that he has to bring his girlfriend back. His daughter did great in class. First time she has even been in an environment like that.

Family drama

My heart breaks this morning over my family (in-law). There are some crazy things going on. I feel a heavy need to intercede. Personally we have had some amazing restoration happen in the last few weeks, but since have seen more devastation. I am glad our relationship was restored, but God has a lot more work to do in others.

The church hunt continues

We tried out that church from last week and the answer between us was a resounding no. The message was not one of love, but one of fear. I saw no hope in what was said. It makes me want to get up and share the GOOD news. That although it is true we can nothing on our own, not even turn to God, that with him nothing is impossible.
So I was very glad to also go to church this morning and hear a message of hope - that in the garden, God was giving Adam and Eve a chance to repent and restore relationship... that he wanted relationship with the Israelites, but in their fear they chose law... that Matthew 5 shows us how much we need God, and should lead us to cry out, "Jesus help me!" and how God desires we come to him as children who believe all the promises he has given us, even when we can't see how.
We drove up to Carlsbad to go to the Bethel church plant: The Awakening. It was a small church and met in the senior center (as do 2 other churches). The people were so friendly. God moved - well stirred me up at least. We sang 3 songs - it took an entire hour. Then we prayed and worshiped for about 20 more minutes. Then the message. Afterward we visited with people in the church and it was 3 hours from when we arrived to when we left. That sounds about right. ;) But my poor husband missed most of it. He got only a couple hours of sleep before having to get up and work to put in a full day before we drove the 40-45 minutes to church. So he hung out in the lobby to keep from cutting zzz's in the service. I think we both liked it, but felt it was a long drive for church, especially with Jerry's schedule. They did tell us about another church that is much closer that is similar. We hadn't heard of it, so we will probably check it out next week.

Church hunting

Looking for a church is never easy. The concept itself is a paradox - you go into a group of people you've never met and who are coming to worship God and learn from his Word and judge them based on what you see and hear. We are looking for a church, but not trying to judge them, but still find which one is right for us. It is a difficult task - there are some things we can easily look at - beliefs, mission of the church, ministry types which will tell us some important basics if we belong there or not. Then there are the trickier things. So you go into church and see people raising their hands during worship - great, they like to praise, but how does that translate into relationships with other people. It seems silly, but all these things go through the brain when evaluating a church.
But there are other things that are more telling about a church. Is the presence of God there? This is mostly something that can't been seen with the eyes or heard with the ears. But it is certainly essential in a church.

Let me get away from the concept and be specific. Last night we visited a church. I was really excited to go (despite the headache I had all day). Jerry brought this one up the day before and it seemed very promising to me. First, it has a Saturday night service, which is pretty much necessary for us since Jerry works Sunday mornings. Second, they believe in healing. We really want to see this happen. I have never regularly attended a church that believes in this to the point they have a healing center. That they actually see these things happen. I have fallen in the lukewarm middle of believing in something, but never seeing it. So I want to see it in person! Third, it is like 5 minutes away! We were considering driving 30-45 minutes to try out a church. This is much easier.

So what did I think? Pro's & Con's...
*I'll start with the con. I felt that the preacher was yelling at us. We was very blunt in what he had to say, and even the things that were kind, he seemed upset about. It was weird. I felt like I was getting a mixed message at times between the words and the tone of voice.
*Pro's - everything else.
**The worship was just that - worship. It wasn't the best team in skill, but not bad. I didn't know a lot of the songs, but that didn't keep me from talking with God.
**The pastor came up and greeted us before the service. That was nice.
**In the information they gave about the church to first-timers, it said they have mentoring ministries for both men and women. That got me excited, because we need mentors in our lives. It is great (& unique) when a church has a way to set up that kind of relationship and not just hope or expect that will happen in a small group setting.
**Okay, this is going to sound odd. There was a guy who came and sat in the front row (we were in the 3rd) just after worship started who clearly didn't fit into regular society in his appearance. Yet, like most people who I have observed like that, he seemed super friendly and oblivious that he was "different." The fact that this guy was there told me that this place was friendly and welcoming, because he wouldn't have been there if it wasn't.
**Lastly, and this is my favorite part... after the message, they have a time of worship and ministry, where they open up the front (there was a lot of space) for people to come up and pray and respond to whatever God is doing in their lives. He invited people up for healing, to accept Jesus, or whatever they needed. I was amazed at how quickly people poured up front. We went up as well and prayed individually. I sat there talking to God and felt like I was the only one there, with tears streaming down my cheeks.

So in conclusion. We both agreed that we will try it again. There are two senior pastors (who I believe are brothers) and maybe the other guy has a softer tone of voice. ;-) That time at the end was amazing. I love that they leave time for God to speak to our hearts and for us to respond. He said when they started doing that it changed the church, and I can imagine so. I hope we like this church enough to go regularly. I really want to find a church where I feel at home, and see this as a possibility.

Notes from the message I listened to this morning

Just because a man sells a million books, doesn't mean the favor of God is on his life.
Sometimes the devil uses Christians to distract us from our purpose.
"A believer with a clear focus is the most dangerous thing in the universe."

It is really easy to strengthen the voice of that which competes for your affection. What makes a voice strong? The attention I give to that option empowers it to appeal to me. Say yes to something (God) so completely that everything else is a "no."

"It is possible to say yes to the big picture so strongly that all things that enemy uses bounce off like a bug on a windshield... you got to get the windshield clean now and then, but it doesn't stop the progress."

Romans 12:11

Romans 12:11 "Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord."

I love this verse, but have always struggled with understanding it 100%. As I am learning more about our relationship with God and the difference between being a servant and being a friend it is strangely clearer.
God first calls us servants, and although he still desires obedience out of us, he wants to be more than our master, he wants to be our friend. I like this idea of progression, and it helps me to more clearly see how I am seen by God and how all those verses of who we are fit together.

The thing that always got me hung up on Romans 12:11 was that I was seeing serving as a draining activity, not something that would increase my excitement and give me zeal. Yes, I have enjoyed doing things for God, but as we heard at church this last weekend, those activities are the fruit of our relationship with God. It is the relationship part that is exciting - but as the verse suggests, it isn't enough in and of itself to keep zeal. It is when we share that relationship with others that we are doing God's will and serving him and that excitement is what keeps the fire alive.
At least that is what I am finding for my life.

So here is my excitement that I want to share. When I got married I gained 4 brothers and 4 sisters. (that's a lot more than the one brother Jerry gained) They grew up in the church, but it was the kind all about rules. (Well actually some of them are still there) Jerry didn't understand why Jesus died until he was in his late 20's since he never saw grace demonstrated in his family. He didn't know what it was like to have relationship with God. So now he has a big heart to reach his family so they can experience God too. This week I caught some of this passion. I did not realize that they had no understanding of being in relationship with God. No conversations with him. No idea even on how to spend time with God. Wow! There are so many times when I have felt alone in my life and only had God to turn to. I couldn't imagine what it would be like not to have that. (and especially being a Christian.) I see how much they are missing out on.

Well the youngest sister, who recently turned 17, broke her ankle. I know God doesn't cause his kids harm, but oh how he makes the best of our situations. She is always so busy, and now with no school and no physical activities she is spending a lot of time with "what to do?" Like I said, she's a teenager - so she is on facebook A LOT. We had her over last week and watched a video on how much God loves us. Then she posted something that sounded like her heart was needing some care. So I spent Saturday with her. I shared some of my heart journey with her and gave her the opportunity to do the same. She said she couldn't talk about it with out crying and was not comfortable crying in front of others. She eagerly went to church with me that night and found it enjoyable as it kept her attention! So that night I emailed her and asked her about her heart and fears - making an opening for her to share without my seeing the tears. We wrote back and forth a few times, and it was through this that my eyes were opened to what she was missing out on. Both Jerry and I ministered to her, and she ate it up. We shared worship music and she loved it. Then even had her over again this week for another video on God's love. In just this week I have seen such a change in her.

She had been having trouble sleeping. Now she doesn't go to bed without spending time in the Word, and has been sleeping through the night for days in a row. God has given her an opportunity to share the gospel with a friend she has known all her life, but who hasn't know God. I love reading her posts on facebook and it just excites me with the verses and the words of encouragement and worship songs. She is so hungry for God and it is exciting to see and be part of. I can't share everything, but I know God is using us in this way, and we have been praying for that for a long time.

So this is the service that brings zeal. Keep it coming God. Let's bring more of this family to knowing you personally. Woohoo!

I'm going to leave you with a recent facebook status from my little sister:
... okay two... here is the latest "People keep asking me what made me change. The answer: I just finally decided to live for Christ instead of myself."
... and the one I was looking for:
"so, I'm bored. I have nothing to do and no one to talk to...so I thought for a split second. Then I realized, who better to hang out with than the one guy who is always with me no matter what?! I think I'm going to go spend some time with Jesus for a while. I like Him! He is definitely my FAVORITE!! =)"
Isn't that the best I'm bored response from a teenager?!

Accountability and Introspection

As promised - here are my thoughts on accountability.

When my hubby Jerry and I were getting to know each other, we had a lot of wonderful discussions that centered around our understanding of the Christian life. One of them was on the topic of accountability. After a while, I realized that we were talking about different things. My definition of accountability was not the same as his.
Jenn's thoughts: You talk to your close friends about the struggles you are dealing with. A lot of my experience is making sure that you are doing devotions, reading the Bible. Accountability is what kept me in the habit of quiet time.
Jerry's thoughts: Accountability is something you have with close friends to encourage each other to make the right decisions. You admit when you slip up and the other person helps you to forgive yourself and make the right decision the next time. Accountability is not to shame you into doing to the right thing, but to build up and give strength. It is not focused on discipline, but on life and grace.
While both definitions include something about struggles, one is more about the tally of success and failure and the other is about working through the failures to have more successes.
I don't know how much sense that makes, it is certainly not eloquent. But it was a fresh perspective of grace on a daily basis for me. Which leads me to my second topic. Introspection. I thought it was a good thing - to examine how one is doing on the way towards leading a godly life. But what often happens is that we spend our time focusing on ourselves instead of focusing on God. If we focus on God and pursue him, then we may stumble, but instead of stopping and staring what tripped us us, we move on. We go on, closer to God and the next opportunity to follow his direction. I am learning that the Christian life is not about doing good things and that when we focus on doing what is "right" then we miss the point. (Linda, your blog entry on being a good parent fits right into this.)

I was listening to this song earlier and the words in the verse hit me. This was the same idea - that his love is greater than what we are going through. And when we focus on God and his love, everything else fades away.

"When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me. "

Looking Back and Looking Forward

Oh, where do I begin?

Two (and a half) years ago I began blogging about the things God was teaching me and doing in my life. I had a lot on my heart and used this outlet to share. One of the first entries was on this verse: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
This week I have begun listening to a sermon series entitled "Dreaming with God." The second disc (covers so much, and) talks about this same Bible verse. The pastor makes the case that this verse, while often interpreted to mean that our dreams will come alongside of God's, is talking about much more than that. There are so many things that surround this idea, I can't explain it here. But the end result is that some dreams are our own, and not necessarily God's implants. That he allows encourages us to dream and choose our path. The simplest example is that the pastor advices someone to teach because that is what the student wants to do, and wait for God to change direction.
So as I was listening to this it made me wonder what I had said about this verse. In summary, what I had learned is that this verse is something that is continual. I had too often thought of it as a "someday" that would never come. These fit well together.

Prior to reading that, I read some of my last posts over the year. I haven't blogged as often as I used to, and it seems that when I do it is because I have learned something wonderful that I can't wait to share. (That's what got me started. I wanted to write about accountability. - coming soon to a blog near you! lol) And what was the most exciting to me about reading past blog entries is that I see God is continuing to deepen and expand my understanding. It was not the same as reading old journals when my struggles seemed to cycle. (coming soon - a new thought about introspection.)

Family

Yesterday my fiance's older brother came to visit. My fiance did not ask if it was okay, just told him the address and to let us know when he was coming. This is note-worthy because he is not a model citizen. He has spent 12 or so of his 39 years in prison, and has being doing drugs from about twelve years of age. He has a different father than the rest of 8 siblings, and is for all intents and purposes, the family outcast. (Well, one of them.) He has lost the trust of all his brothers and sisters, but my fiance, in his own repeated words "refuses to give up him. He is family."

I have visited his remote home a few times, but this was the first time he visited me. He came with his boss (the brother doesn't have a car). They visited for a while during the Super Bowl; we talked about the upcoming wedding and whatnot. We were able to have them transport some stuff we were looking to get rid of or store.

After visiting for a while, I looked at the clock and it was time to make dinner. I was already planning on pasta, and that works great for a crowd. So I made enough food for everyone, and they were thankful. Then my fiance took them to the grocery store, and stocked them up. We have provided groceries a few times for them. They were so low the brother was lamenting he didn't even have butter for the noodles to feed his daughter. When it was time to leave, the brother came inside (they had decided to leave from the store) to give me a hug and say goodbye. I thought that was so nice.

After they left we noted that we were the only ones in the family he would be able to stop by like that. As I watched a video today about how we live our lives can make a difference without our saying a word, I was reminded of yesterday's events. I was planning on going to church last night, but instead, I believe we were the church.

The Revolution Begins with You

When I was a high school senior, I had a unique English class. We read books, and we wrote essays, but it wasn’t a boring English class. (you can tell it’s not my favorite subject.) I don’t know what aspects of English as an academic subject I learned. We met in the theatre since my teacher also taught drama. So there was no board to write on, no spelling words, etc. But I learned something valuable in that class. I learned how to think critically. I would say our academic year in that class had a theme. If I had to put it into one word: revolution. Although I don’t think that accurately describes the whole of our discussions. We discussed human nature, and read books such as Lord of the Flies. From there we talked about conformity how one brings about change (revolution) and read books such as Brave New World and Animal Farm. There was one instance I remember clearly. We had a substitute and were supposed to watch Lord of Flies movie. Someone had Independence Day with him and convinced the sub to let us watch that instead. The next day the teacher wasn’t happy about it, and seemed just as upset/disappointed with the students in the class who knew better but didn’t say anything. I could have sworn she was talking to me. That instance fit so well into the theme it seemed, but it spoke to me about who I am. Yes I am quiet (especially at that time), but I am seen as someone who can take leadership and make a change. In my yearbook, my teacher wrote: “remember, the revolution begins with you.” Now I always thought about that as something spiritual.
Why am I saying all this? That was a lot about something that happened fourteen years ago. Because I believe that God gives us experiences to prepare us for our future. He is always setting us up for something greater. I believe that God wants me to be someone who is changing my world. There are times that I have tried this, but became discouraged. However, as I have maturated spiritually, I understand more and more how it is God working through me that his will is accomplished. I am coming to believe that it is possible to create change and not lose heart. (and when I say believe, I mean not theoretical belief, but living it out kind of belief.) When I read about BSSM this morning, this memory about my English class came to mind. I believe that God is going to use that to springboard me into a “revolutionary” life. I know God can use and change us wherever we are. And I don’t expect him to wait until I am there to work in my life. I know he has a lot to do with me, even in preparation for the school. When I think about what BSSM will require: financially, with my time, my commitment, etc., it is scary. It will stretch me, but following God with all my life is worth it. I will lay down my fishing net to become fishers of men.

From the heart

I shared my heart on my quilting blog.

http://jennsewsnow.blogspot.com/2010/09/from-heart.html

My crazy mind

This has been a rough week at work. It is one of those seasons when I wished I didn't work here. I love my boss, but we have both been under the microscope lately, as well as underappreciated for what we know and can do. What happens to me occasionally is that I get so focused and excited about God and serving him directly (because working at a Christian university is serving him indirectly) that I lose interest in my job. I have been very excited about God recently and want to soak up as much as I can from him, and learn more about him. When I get to this place where my desires are ministry-purpose centered, I see less purpose in my job. And when I don't feel appreciated and don't feel that there is eternal purpose in my job, I want to be here even less. It's a terrible slippery slope.
(One would think that at a Christian university people would be gracious. Instead it seems that they hold others unwaveringly to a high standard and will not deviate from the law. I get wanting to have integrity, but it is often past that, as the human aspect is overlooked. Well, ... I don't want to rant about that now, but did want to explain a little of what is bothering me.)
So today I read my friend's blog about their church. It was about how the church is the people, not the building, and not a service with a rigid program and sermon. Oh, how I want to go there. Being in this place of struggling contentment, I just want to quit and move. (which is how I felt yesterday, even before I read this.) I have been thinking a lot of how I am tired of living the way I am. I don’t know exactly what this means, and perhaps it’s the devil misconstruing my perspective of my life. I know God can use me where ever I am and I am praying he will use me where I am and I do see areas where he is using me. But I want more. The thing is, and this is what further confuses me, he has taught me so much over this past year about how loving him is superior to serving him, and that serving him doesn't have to be through a program at church, or a big project (i.e. foster child. I know that was right and learned a lot from it, but I know I don't have to do something that monumental.) So I want to serve God with my whole life, but I don’t what that looks like.
Being part of a body of believers who are passionate about loving God is important. I haven’t served in the church for over a year. I was on the worship team and in children’s ministry. I quit children’s ministry and never got invited back to the worship team. I haven’t attended a small group in some time. I feel very disconnected. I have signed up to work in a different part of the children’s ministry, so I am making steps. I like my church, but am not excited about it. I was to be just as excited about the body of believers I am part of as I am about God.
I don’t know where this leaves me. From the steps I have taken trying to see if God will open doors, I have seen closed doors. I wasn’t considered for another position and didn’t get accepted to a master’s program. So I don’t see my future heading farther into my current career (which actually makes me happy). The only thing I see as a positive for the 'right now' is a likely (and overdue) raise. So it seems God has me here for a while. If this is even for only one year, it is difficult. And more so thinking I won’t be around long and in expectation of something better. I guess all this is just to say where I am and prayers are appreciated.

Romans 8:1

There is a difference being feeling guilty and feeling convicted. Perfection does not come overnight. We cannot live life to its fullest if we are constantly focusing on our mistakes. We need to live in the freedom that Jesus has given us through his blood. We need to ask God what he has to teach us, listen to Him, and obey what He says. A runner cannot jump hurdles until he has learned how to run. Let us not condemn ourselves or each other for not jumping hurdles when we are still learning to run.

Romans 8:1 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."

Jesus didn't die so we can live good lives

(this is a bit ramble-y, but I should be working, so oh well. I just have to get my thoughts out.)
I had a really good discussion the other day which lead to this revelation in the shower. I felt the need to share it then. Jesus did not come to earth and die for our sins so that we can live a "good Christian life." The majority of Christians will say that leading a morally good life is the most important thing of being a Christian. (I read this in UnChristian, a book put out by the Barna Research group.) Wow! We as Christians are really missing the point. If that was the reason Jesus suffered and died, then it was in vain. The Pharisees had good living down. But Jesus chastised them, and told them they were missing the point. (Now he never told them living clean was wrong, but...) Jesus said it is about relationship. We need to reach out to those who are not loved, and love them! But before that we need accept God's love for ourselves- what would our lives look like if we really understood God's love for us? I have had just tastes of this and I know that is not the way so many of us strive to live (including myself). We would not be focused on the right and wrong. We would not be calculating how much time we spend in the Bible, and how many verses we read. I read a book from the Bible 2 weeks ago and I am still processing that! We so often look at quantity. If we can read one verse and be challenged or encouraged, then let's take time to mediate on that one verse. Anything we try to do out of our own power is going to fail. We need to focus on God, receiving his love, and let our lives flow from that. When I am focused on God, I am not concerned about every little detail, but paradoxically he is influencing every little detail - so much more than I would be able to do on my own.
On a related strain, I was thinking about how this would affect the way we teach our children. (speaking generally here as I do not have children) What if I did not teach my child that one thing is right and another is wrong? Don't freak out! Hear me out. What if instead, I taught them what is loving; what is God's character? We attended a message on how people often view right and wrong as determined by the Bible, but he (Josh McDowell) taught instead that right and wrong is determined because what is wrong is against God's character. So I was thinking how would this shape the way we teach children? I think with this approach, we could end up some amazing children, who love God and others throughout their entire life. If a child understood God's love from the beginning, then he or she would naturally share that. That's the way children are. And so we would have children blessing other children and adults like crazy. When they grew up, instead of rebelling against the rules, having understood God's love, they would be lights in their lives, loving and caring for everyone around them. What an impact that would have on the world. I get so excited to think about it.

Wood and Gold

So often when I think of what is expected by the Christian church, and even as perceived from those outside, is a misunderstood humility. An extreme example are those who live a monastic life. God does not call us to live without, but he calls us not to be dependent on our physical belongings. When Jesus told the rich man to give up his wealth, he was asking the man to put God before his possessions. This was not a requirement to be without, but an example of where our priorities should lie.
I feel that who I am supposed to be "as a Christian" is also influenced at times by this mis-perception: that as a Christian, many people feel I should not want earthly possessions, and if I do, then I need to pray about that. It is okay to want things, but the deeper desires, those for God should overpower the smaller earthly desires. And I would say this is true of myself. Yesterday I said, "I would like to have a nice home with nice furnishings, but relationship is more important to me; I would give up the nice stuff to be able to be with those I love and to be in a place where I can minister." (on a side note, I used to think I had to have a nice place to minister. Now I know it doesn't matter where I am.)
So all this to get to a verse I read in 2 Timothy. It says that we are like a home containing wood and gold items, and God wants to remove the wood. This caught me off guard. Personally I feel there is so much emphasis on being low, that I would have thought we would be all wood. But instead God wants to make us into something precious and pure. All this is to say that I often miss this point. Humility is not something that should be self-degrading, but it should be honest. As my example given above, I do think I need to pray about my perception of "stuff." I often mess up when it comes to (what I mistakenly see as) my things. Humility is admitting that, and glorifying God for the times when my perspective is not messed up. I need to see myself the way God sees me, as redeemed through Jesus' blood, and an heir to his kingdom. God values me and wants me to be someone of value.

2 Timothy 20-21: 20In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. 21If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.

Before the dive

I know what I am going to dive into, but I can't wait for it. I want to know God's presence now; I want to experience him on a daily - moment by moment - basis now. So God is coming to meet me where I am.
I am still standing on the edge of that cliff, reading to dive into the ocean of God's presence, but the fog is thick, the wind is blowing, and the waves are crashing, and I am wet - wet and becoming saturated with God's presence. Because I am near him. I want to be as close as I can. But it's not time to jump yet; it's not safe.

These last couple weeks have been amazing. The trip Jerry and I took to Colorado was so much more than a vacation. It was a time to step back from the daily routine and life and refocus on God. We have always been able to talk to each other about stuff, but there we were able to talk more easily. That freedom is continuing back in San Diego, as we continue to seek God, keep focused on him, and trust in him. It is an exciting time of unknown.
We are embracing the dreams God has given us, and stepping out to prepare for those dreams. And as I say that, I know God is also preparing in ways that we don't even know. We look forward to the time when we are immersed in God's presence, and although some of what we want to do is learn to take that with us wherever we go, even now God is giving us a taste of what that will be like.
Praise God!

On the edge

Last night I was trying to describe my recent prayers on ministry. I have had this anticipation and expectation of being used by God, but I could not describe it. I literally had no words. Some of this was due to the unknown details, another part was being uncertain if my dreams were from God. What I did understand was I felt God had put in my heart this understanding/belief that he was going to work individually in my life, in the lives of those closest to me, and corporately as well. Today I was finally able to get the right words to put together what I have been feeling/thinking.
I feel that we (myself and those closest to me) are on the edge of something big. That God is going to work, and not in a small way, and this time is imminent. So many people I know and they know long for something deeper, a relationship with another person where they can bare their hearts and work toward healing. It is so easy for fear to keep us from being real with others in the places where we are hurting; we fear that the other person will not recognize the hurt in his or her own life and judge us for our struggles. What I have been learning – learning as in understanding with my life, not my mind – is that we are on a journey. The Bible even says that we are running a race; we define sanctification as the process of becoming holy. Yet so often the corporate church, and myself, focus on being perfect – the end goal, and don’t appreciate or acknowledge that getting there is a difficult journey with struggles of many kinds. So what we long for, what we need, is a community where we can come together and support each other along this journey. I believe this is what God wants for his children.
What are we waiting for? What is holding us back from this? First, I believe everything in God’s time. Our desire and anticipation is growing for this, and when we proceed, it will not be half hearted. What results is going to be life altering. I am not supposing that some new wave or trend will start in the church; that is not the focus of this. At least not the organized church. We are looking at our lives and the people we touch. This focus on community is very personal. Secondly, we need to do this as a community and have everyone necessary in place. My friend noted that others need to come along on their own and not be pushed off the edge. This is very true. Certain relationships will force others along, and we don’t need to be causing harm in the pursuit of love. So now we gather and wait in anticipation on the edge of a cliff, to dive deep into the relationships and community that God has orchestrated.

the end of journaling?

I wrote in my journal last week. I hadn't written since November. I have found someone to talk to. He wants to hear what's going on in my head and my heart. He's always happy to talk, even if there are other things to be done. I haven't felt I needed to write my thoughts down as much since I've had someone to talk with. That's really nice.

New avenue to see God

Who is reading this anyhow? As far as I know, I have one person following my blog without me sending a link at each post. So since this is dead end of a way to share, I am feeling brave in sharing this here.
I haven’t made any previous announcements about this. If you have seen me at church, you probably figured it out anyhow. I have a boyfriend. So why I am sharing this here, in this place I created to share about what God’s doing? Well, it’s because God is using him to remind me of who He is.
Ever since the first day I met this guy, I have been really comfortable around him. He is very much himself; that is he doesn’t try to hide who is or be what he isn’t. That has made me feel that I can be the same way. It’s good not to have to feel guarded in who I am, in fear that I might be rejected. (This is a struggle I have faced in varying degrees for years – well maybe forever.) It’s not as though I haven’t continued to deal with this fearful feeling, but it is usually when I am caught up in my own mind.
So last night I was in that place again, feeling like I had to explain myself as I was staring across the room – then I looked at this guy and that fear went away. I knew that he wasn’t judging me or wanting me to be a certain way – instead I knew that he accepts and appreciates who I am. It feels good to be in that place. When I thought about that feeling this morning, God reminded me that this is how He feels about me. I know this: that God accepts who I am. He created me this way! But it is a different understanding having a fellow human convey God’s message through more than a sermon. And knowing that God is with me all the time, that I never have to feel those fears, makes me feel very loved. God’s love is so great!

I have a rock on my desk

I have a rock on my desk. It’s been there for a while now. They passed them out at church one day and I put it in my purse, then pulled it out at work and there it sits. It’s not a very big rock, but symbolizes a lot. When I was in college we had these chapels called Stones of Remembrance chapel. The concept was taken from the Old Testament when the Israelites crossed the Jordon River and then built an altar from stones on the other side of the river to remember how God parted the river so they could cross. The chapel was a time of testimony from the community; there would be three students each chapel who had a rock, usually with a verse on it, that represented some turning point or lesson that God had been working at in their lives. There is a pile of these stones on campus; our altar of sorts, reminding us that God is still at work in our lives. This rock on my desk reminds me in the same way that God has been and continues to be at work, and is why they were passed out at church. I like this reminder, and it also has served to remind me to pray for my friends and co-workers who also need this reminder.
I have a rock on my desk, and while it may seem odd, it’s not going anywhere.